5 Things To Always Be Thankful For in Life No Matter What

When things get bad in life it can be difficult to find things to feel glad about and appreciate. Fortunately, I've compiled a list of five things you can always feel good about whether your wife told you she's a lesbian now and filed for divorce or you're in jail for attacking your lesbian wife or BOTH.


5). Mosquitoes and other bugs don't come out in the Winter.

Imagine if mosquitoes were still around when it got cold and you had to deal with itchy mosquito bites all over plus being cold. That's just something that God says, "Yeah I know life is supposed to suck, but let's not go that far." Imagine if any insects were around in Winter like wasps, dung beetles, and bees, that'd be frightening as shit. God won't allow certain atrocities, starving children as thin as lamps covered in disease sure, but butterflies in the snow? Forget that! Now this might be something that changes in the coming decades because of global warming, but for now let's just be glad.

Aww, it's shitting blood.

4). AIDS isn't airborne.

Imagine how horrifying it would be if you could really get AIDS from being coughed on by someone with HIV. Fortunately that's not true so stop freaking out when Magic Johnson has the flu. You're being rude!

You can actually see an AIDS ghost in that mist if you look close enough.

3). All the annoying pop music superstars eventually fade out.

No matter how much you despise the current #1 Disney created singer or boy band, all you have to do is be patient because in around 5 years they will either be gone entirely or only visible in a diminished capacity. From the New Kids on the Block to the Backstreet Boys to Britney Spears to Hannah Montana and now Justin Bieber; no matter how popular they are it's only a matter of time before they disappear or become sympathetic characters.

The Osmonds were the shit back in the day, but these days they're all dead and no one cares.

2). A superior alien race isn't going to show up to enslave mankind and even if they do, it'll be awesome.

The whole situation with extraterrestrials is pretty great because it's a win/win. If they don't show up, whatever who cares? No one's going to be on their death bed regretting the fact they never met an alien. Then on top of that if they do show up they will probably enslave us all and harvest our organs for nutrients. And even if this does end up happening that's still pretty damn awesome. I wouldn't even mind being forced to do work for a super intelligent alien species and have my hair shaved off every few months because they eat human hair. That would be an unprecedented part of human history that I'd be a part of and that's incredible.

How can we fear them if they do not possess genitals?

1). If reincarnation is real, it doesn't even matter.

Some people live their lives thinking they need to do good things so they can come back as a falcon or other majestic type of flying animal in another life. Other people try to avoid doing bad things so they don't go to hell or come back as an anal tapeworm or something, but the fact is, you won't be aware of your situation either way so who cares? You should do good things, but do them because you want to not because you want to be a panda. Even if you're brought back as a starving African child, you won't know it's you or that it had anything to do with your past life so there won't be any sort of associative guilt, it's not even going to be you because then you'd know who you were in your last life and if that last life was a bird and you had no idea then as bad as your life is as a starving African child you'll forget all about it when you're a falcon in the next life and your consciousness is reset.

I'll probably come back as a roach because I'm a survivor! And to a lesser extent, I deserve to live in animal feces.