Ask McFartnuggets: "I Got Caught Pooping in the Kitchen Sink!" and "Overweight Girlfriend Eats During Sex"

Diarrhea is no joke.

Dear McFartnuggets: While at my in-laws last weekend I woke up after a long night of drinking and had to unleash the fury of a thousand demons out of my ass. To my horror I saw that the only bathroom was occupied so with literal seconds before I lost all control of myself I ran into the kitchen and crapped into the sink. It was a fairly fast ordeal, however within 15 seconds, my wife was there with my mother-in-law entered the house after coming back from the farmers market and saw me pooing in the kitchen sink. Needless to say they both ran out of the room and I had a very awkward drive home. I feel really bad about the situation. What should I do to fix it? Send a gift basket to my in-laws? Buy a necklace for my wife? HELP! -- Neil from Dicksville, Kentucky

Dear Neil: You have nothing to apologize for. When it's time, IT'S TIME. I think your wife and in-laws just need a little time to recover from what happened so give them the space they need. They'll come to their senses and realize that diarrhea is like child birth, it's a natural and painful part of life. They'll forgive you. And while it is weird to have someone crap in your kitchen sink, it's not really that big of a deal. Most people have dishwashers now so there's really nothing all that bad about pooping in a kitchen sink. Frankly there's really no purpose for a kitchen sink at all. It really should just be used as an emergency toilet! You did the right thing, Neil.


Dear McFartnuggets: My girlfriend of two years now has gone from a size 4 to a size 19 since I've known her. She's been getting bigger and bigger and eating more and more as the months go by. Normally I wouldn't care because I think being heavy is healthy, but she recently started bringing food into the bed with her. I was attempting to make love to her and went down town on her when I felt something on my head. I looked up and a piece of roast beef had fallen from a sandwich she was eating onto my head. It totally freaked me out and I had to stop. Is this a normal thing? -- Jerry from St. Louis

Dear Jerry: Calm down, buddy! I don't know if you know this, but food and sex are a very common combination. Plenty of people choose to get involved in eating during sex, what do you think you were doing at the time you felt roast beef hit your head?! There's a reason they call it "dining out". You should be happy that your girlfriend feels comfortable around you to take this next big step in your relationship and just go with it. First a sandwich, tomorrow a pot roast, one day maybe a whole pot luck dinner! Congratulations, Jerry!

Your girlfriend just wants a hero. Be that hero.

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