Ask McFartnuggets: "Why Does Diarrhea Give Me Goosebumps?" and "How Many Pubes Does the Average Human Shed Per Day?"

(Old photo of girl with Diarrhea in 1384.)

Dear McFartnuggets: I've noticed that when I have really painful, liquidy stools aka "diarrhea" I get goosebumps on my arms. Why is this happening? -- Nora Titpeppers in Las Vegas

Dear Nora: Goosebumps are known to occur when an animal experiences fear, anger, nostalgia, pleasure, euphoria, awe, admiration and sexual arousal. ALL of those tend to be emotions that occur during diarrhea so it's totally normal and you shouldn't be worried about it. Just realize that diarrhea is a natural human thing and you shouldn't be scared of it. As long as you remember to stay hydrated, there's really no way it can hurt you. Also, remember that it's not trying to hurt you so you don't have to be angry at your diarrhea. It's just your body reacting to a weird food and sending signals to the intestines to hit overdrive and kick it into high gear. It's the body cleansing itself in a spectacular show of nature that should be appreciated and enjoyed! Cheers!


Dear McFartnuggets: I've been looking online for the answer to how many pubic hairs the average person sheds per day and I can't find anything! Help! -- Gerald from Pennsylvania

Dear Gerald: They say the average person sheds anywhere from 40 to 150 hairs per day in total, but I can't find anything on pubes either. Since the crotch is around 8% of the human body I guess you could say the pube shed range is around 3 to 12. You'd think someone would have researched this by now. All I can do is tell you how many pubes I lose every day and it's in the range of 75 to 200. Then again I think I might be an exception. I woke up hungover one morning and thought I saw a rat in the corner of my room by my computer. It turned out to be an old tube sock covered in pubes. Scared the bejesus out of me. That's how bad it gets! I lose so many pubes I've been considering gathering them all up and using them at Build-A-Bear Workshop as stuffing to help save money on my monthly teddy bear expenses. I'm also considering not even vacuuming them up and just leaving them until it becomes sort of like a natural shag carpet.

This is just a minor sample of how many pubes I collect off my floor on any given day.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com, keep an eye on how many pubes you're losing per day and report your findings!