10 Ways to Protect Your Home From Invasion Without Guns

Some may argue that gun violence is the best way to deal with a home invader and that may be true, but it isn't the ONLY way to deal with a home invader. Here are some alternatives that might help you out when a stranger comes into your house:


1). Nail gun.

Some might argue this is the same as using a real gun, but it's not technically. The only negative is it requires less distance between you and your target which may actually be a benefit in preventing accidental shootings. You don't shoot at someone through a bathroom door with a nail gun, you have to see who they are first.


2). Bear Mace.

I keep a can of bear mace right by the bed because if it can stop a bear in its tracks it can surely stop my neighbor from snooping around my kitchen. Most people say you should avoid using bear mace in confined areas like a home, but most people also say you shouldn't shoot a gun off in your home too. It's a home intruder, anything goes.


3). Basement slave.

This is a controversial one and if you don't already have a basement slave I would advise against going out and getting one, but if you already have one this is where it comes in handy. If you've got someone locked up in the basement or attic that you're keeping trapped like a weird feral child or something, in the event of a home intruder you can let them out and they become like a pit bull attacking everything in sight. After they neutralize the invaders they will most likely run free too so there's a good deed involved as well.


4). Drugs.

One of the best non-violent means of protecting yourself from a home invader is through the use of drugs. If you rig up an aerosol hallucinogenic to spray in the doorway when there's a forced entry then usually the invader will start to freak out and leave. Even if they choose to stay, you'll appear like a demon to them and they'll shit their pants.


5). Acid.

No, not the drug acid, I mean like hydrochloric acid. Trust me, when a home invader gets a face full of this stuff the last thing they're interested in is sticking around to molest your wife.

Nothing stops a home invader quite like harsh acids.

6). Attack Bird.

Purchase a bird of prey like a hawk or a falcon and keep them as a pet. When you hear a disturbance in the night, just open up their cage and let them seek the threat and attack it. Even if the intruders have guns themselves, it's pretty difficult to shoot a hawk in the darkness, not to mention terrifying.


7). Trip wires.

Like Kevin from "Home Alone" you can rig up wires around the house that appear invisible to the naked eye. This might be a problem when company comes over, but just let them know you put them there to trip up home invaders and soon enough they'll remember where they are and be able to jump over them.


8). Flash powder.

It helps to be trained in the magical arts before you plan to use flash powder as self defense. There's a good reason you never hear about a magician having their house broken into and ransacked. They use flash powder to blind the intruder and then are able to beat their ass with a magic wand.


9). Flamethrower.

If you don't have a genuine World War II flamethrower lying around you can always make an improvised one out of a Super Soaker filled with gasoline or just a regular ol' can of aerosol spray.

Worst case scenario, the home invaders leave.

 10). Setting your home on fire.

If by some chance you have accidentally set your home on fire using the improvised aerosol or Super Soaker flamethrower, that's not a completely bad thing. By turning your home into an inferno you will get rid of any home invaders. Like rats fleeing a sinking ship, they won't stick around to steal things with the walls ablaze.


So there you have it, ten easy ways to protect your home without using the controversial and sometimes dangerous method of gunfire. You might think that just using a baseball bat will be fine, but trust me, baseball bats suck. Who ever gets beaten to death with a baseball bat? The only way it's an effective weapon is when you have a free cheap shot from behind, otherwise it's a very inefficient combat tool, an attack bird or flamethrower on the other hand are far more efficient. I hope these tips help you stay safe and also please note I am not responsible for any damages or fees incurred due to property destruction or lawsuits involving accidental death, manslaughter, child endangerment, etc. Thanks!