Ask McFartnuggets: "My Pubes Won't Stop Growing" and "Mailman Delivered Neighbor's Package to Me"

Are those pubes?!

Dear McFartnuggets: I don't have a lot of hair on my head, but for some reason my pubic hairs don't know when to stop. Even when I give them a trim they're right back to where they were the next day. I've started braiding them because I just can't keep throwing money away on waxing and professional treatments. What's wrong with me here? -- Debbina from Tooscaloo, Florida

Dear Debbina: You know damn well there are people who work their asses off day and night to get a luxurious, thick pubic mane! You need to stop your bragging, girlfriend! Not everyone is as blessed as you and what you need to do is use your gift to help others. Grow your pubes down to your ankles then cut the hair off and donate it to cancer wig charities. Don't tell them it's pubic hair, let them judge whether or not they think the hair is suitable and if it is then who needs to know? The good deed is done!


Dear McFartnuggets: I woke up hungover last week and found a package at my front door. I had just ordered a new Cuisinart so I assumed that was it even though that would have been a very fast delivery. When I popped open the box and there was a red plastic box inside. I opened that up and to my surprise there was an artificial woman's vagina inside there. I immediately looked at the address sticker and realized it was supposed to be shipped to my next door neighbor instead. I would have just left it on his door step, but he's the type of guy who's always peering through his front window at people and I had already opened the actual packaging the product was supposed to be in so he would have known someone tampered with it. I have absolutely no idea what to do now. Do I knock on the door and let him know what happened? That seems like it could be awkward. -- Betrice from Philly

Dear Betrice: If it's impossible to make the original vagina look like it wasn't opened then I would just find a new one online and purchase that. Have that sent to your place and then put it in the original package box and give it to the mailman the next day and say he gave it to you by accident. Then take the vagina you opened and donate it to a homeless shelter. You wouldn't believe how infrequently sex toys are donated to the homeless and because of that it leads many homeless to have gross, unprotected sex with each other that spreads loads of viruses and disease. Even just one rubber vagina could make a huge difference. Cheers!

Frankly, I don't know what kind of loser uses a fake vagina when they can just use a rolled up slice of fresh pizza.

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