Ask McFartnuggets: "Grandma is Talking to People Who Aren't There" and "Do You Fold or Crumple Your TP Before You Wipe?"

Dear McFartnuggets: I was at my grandma's the other day and the whole time she was talking to everyone except me. The problem is I was the only other person in the room. What should I do about this? -- Shitwiskers McGuillicutty from Illinois

Dear "Shitwiskers": Is that really your name? I doubt it. Nothing makes me sicker than people using fake ass names. It's really pathetic. Anyways, about your demented grandmother... It's totally normal for an old lady to talk to people that aren't there. It happens to us all eventually if we're lucky to live that old. The older people get the less people are willing to pretend to listen to them because there's no chance for sex with them so super old people have to invent people in their brains that will listen to them instead. If you really feel bad about it I would play along with your grandmother and ask to be introduced to the people she's imagining. Have a big fake tea party with her and all her friends. It'll be just like being a kid again and it seems sad, but what's really sad is that most people won't bother to entertain and humor these elderly people in their final days.

Dear McFartnuggets: I was wondering... When you wipe your butt after a poo do you fold the toilet paper up to make a tiny assblanket or do you crumple it into a baseball sized butt scraper? -- Lisa from Kalamazoo

Dear Lisa: Thanks for asking. I know this is a controversial topic, you're either with one side or the other, but there is a third option. No, I'm not talking about letting your dog and Craigslist friend lick you, I'm talking about the Japanese art of paper folding. When I'm done laying down the law and reading the toilet its rights, I make an origami swan out of toilet paper and then use its beak to gently clean my devil's eye. Sure this is a four hour process, but hey, if it's worth doing, it's worth doing RIGHT!

Sometimes if I have extra time I'll make one of these to wipe with. Now you know why they call them "Cootie Catchers".

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and have a great afternoon.