Ask McFartnuggets: "How Can I Get Revenge After an Interviewer Doesn't Hire Me?" and "I Get Embarrassed By Vomiting in Public"

I don't know why you're smiling, bitch!

Dear McFartnuggets: A few weeks ago I had an interview with a company that shall rename maimless. I really put a lot of effort into the interview and gussied myself up real nice for these people, printed my resume on fancyass paper, and even took a few hits of coke to keep me hyped and focused. They said they'd call me back the next week to let me know if the job was mine. Flash forward two weeks and I still haven't received a call so I'm pissed. Not only didn't they choose me, but they didn't even have the common decency to follow through on their word and call me back to let me know. I am so peeved off at this I just wish I knew the right way to get vengeance on these ay-holes. What is the best way for me to achieve retribution? -- Retdep from Shell, Texas

Dear Retdep: My condolences to you, I know how it feels to be rejected by both people and jobs. That being typed, you don't want to get too intense with the vengeance. You have to take into account that maybe it's just taking them longer than they had anticipated to make a decision. You wouldn't want to jeopardize your chances if you still had one and weren't aware so I would wait another month or so. If you haven't heard anything by then, it's pretty clear they've chosen to go in another direction. Once it's obvious they don't want you, don't go crazy and do anything violent or in person. I would simply call up, ask to speak with the person that interviewed me and just say "Listen, bub. You didn't hire me and that's FIIIINE, but I just wanted to let you know that you made a really big mistake. I am going to get a job someplace else and make that company the best damn company on the face of god's green earth and when I'm standing on the top of the mountain with my riches, surrounded by the colleagues and supervisors who I helped reach the peak of the summit you will know that you made the most horrible error of your life. I'll be up on the mountaintops laughing hysterically and you will WISH and PRAY for time machine technology to send your ass back to that faithful day when I walked into your dingy office and you had the distinct pleasure of interviewing me for your substandard, pathetic work position. Good day to you, SIR!" Then hang up loudly. That should suffice.


Dear McFartnuggets: Every time I go out drinking I end up puking and I'm always so embarrassed about it. I don't know what it is, yo. I just feel like guilty for vomiting on people's clothes and the floors of their diners and dance clubs. Is this normal? All my other friends don't get embarrassed about it at all! -- Sarrah from Tombstone, Arizona

Dear Sarrah: It's totally normal to be embarrassed when you barf on people or into the ball pit at McDonald's Playhouse. The reason it's embarrassing, for me at least is because it's like revealing your deepest secrets to random people on the street. You are what you eat and so by seeing everything you ate the last day, these people have an insight into your soul like no other. People can be really judgmental. Just the other day I had a chick say "Someone likes gummi candies!" It's kind of embarrassing to have people at work know you're a grown man whose daily diet consists of 90% gummi bears, gummi worms, and gummi sharks. I don't know maybe it's just me, but I don't think it's weird to feel embarrassed by this at all. A good idea is to take a rolled up trash bag with you before you go out drinking that way you can puke right into that bad boy even in a fancy restaurant and it's no biggie.

A picture from the last time I threw up at Red Lobster.

Send all questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and I should get to your question soon.