Ask McFartnuggets: "How To Crap Like A Champion Today"

Dear McFartnuggets: I don't normally like to ask people for help when it comes to certain things, but how can I finish off my dumps like a champion? It seems like I'll get 96% of my total feces out on the first, second, and even third waves, but after that's done, uh oh! There's still roughly 4% that just sits there. It knows it's there, but it just wants to hang out, and listen I can't sit on the toilet for three hours waiting for this to come out, but it just stays there. How can I power it out? Should I pace myself more? I'm pretty sure I've tried that. And don't say get more fiber, as it is I consume the indigestible cellulose equivalent of a fucking fir tree every day. I try to dig it out with toilet paper, but there's only so far you can go with that and still consider yourself a man and not get shit all over your hands. Then the rest is inevitably what ends up in my jogging shorts later that day. It really pisses me off here, any help would be great. -- Todd from Evansville, Louisiana

Dear Todd: I know what you're talking about, I feel your pain. I've been there! Sometimes crapping to your fullest just isn't physically possible, even Buddhist monks who are masters of concentration have difficulties with this issue. What I do is take a "Wax Vac" that thing that sucks the ear wax out of your ear canal and I just use that bad boy on my demon hole when I feel like there's a little bit more I could be giving. If you need to go deeper than an ear canal you might want to attach a straw. Just make sure you wash it off after and NEVER tell your roommate what you're doing with their Wax Vac!

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