Ask McFartnuggets: "What is the World Record For Longest Sleep?" and "Grandma Caught Me Masturbating on Skype"

Dear McFartnuggets: I just slept fourteen hours straight and I was wondering what the world record is for sleeping! I can't find any info on this! -- Dominique Buttfist from Kansas

Dear Dominique: The World Record for world's longest sleep belongs to Elaine Esposito who once slept for 326,784 hours straight! (37 years and 111 days) Of course this was in a coma, but hey that still counts as sleeping last time I checked. The thing is, there's no way to figure who's the longest non-coma sleeper since it's difficult to tell if someone's just pretending to be asleep. You'd have to hook up electrodes and brain scanners and apparently that's too much trouble for these Guinness douchebags. So as far as I'm concerned the record holder for longest sleep belongs to this super coma lady. It's probably one of the most if not the absolute most impressive world record that exists. I would defy anyone to attempt to break it!

Dear McFartnuggets: O-M-GOD! I was staying over at my grandma's house last weekend and I brought my laptop in case it got boring, plus I always bring my laptop everywhere I go. Sunday morning I got on Skype and talked to my BF for awhile. Things started to escalate quickly and I totally thought my grandma went to the store or something. I'm laying in guestroom bed "flicking my paper football" and then my grandma came in asking what I wanted from McDonald's. I screamed, she screamed, my BF screamed. She slammed the door, I slammed the laptop and I left without seeing her later that day. I don't think I'll ever be able to talk to her again and that really makes me sad because she's my grandma! What should I dooooo? -- Jeff in Wisconsin

Dear Jeff: I'm going to be honest I thought you were a woman, but I guess that says a lot for how behind the times I am. Don't worry about what happened, everyone gets caught masturbating by their grandparents at least two times in their lives. The cool thing is your grandma probably doesn't even know what Skype is. You could just tell her you were playing an experimental new video game or taking part in an online science study. Try to make it sound complicated so she just gets confused and gives you the benefit of the doubt. OR better yet, just avoid her for a few weeks and she'll probably forget. That's the great thing about old people, their brains are like etch-a-sketches sitting on a massage chair, over a short time everything is erased. Just don't wait TOO long because gawd fabid she dies or something like that you'll hold it against yourself forever. Cheers!
"I was just trying to confuse the laser cannon, grandma!"
Email all questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and good luck breaking the coma record!

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