The Top 12 Animals You Should NEVER Ride

With gas prices on the rise, you might be considering finding a different transportation method to save on commuting costs. Some people out there have a belief that animals were put on this earth to serve us whether it be for labor, food, and transportation. I'm not sure if all that's true, but I do know animals are fun to ride. The trick is finding the animals that are appropriate to ride. We all know horses, elephants, and killer whales are all safe to ride on, but here's a list of some animals that you definitely won't want to hitch a ride on:


12). Panda.

Pandas are a crappy animal to ride because they barely go anywhere. They're snuggly and big, but when was the last time you saw a panda going anywhere? That's why they're all dying off! Their lazy asses just sit around all day gnawing on bamboo. Maybe if they ate something more substantial and got moving around a little bit we wouldn't have Chinese people trying desperately to get these things to bone all the time.


11) Man.

You might think that because you used to get "piggy back rides" from your Uncle Steve when you were a kid that it's totally okay to ride other humans, but before you mount, make sure you have the human's verbal consent. In some cases, even written consent is necessary if it's an elderly person because sometimes their family's lawyers will claim the woman did not fully understand the conversation you were having with her and you will be held liable for any of the medical damage the woman suffers as a result of your riding her like a pony.

If a person looks like this, that's usually a good sign not to ride them.

10). Portuguese Man o' War.

The Portugeuse Man o' War packs a venomous sting and is completely ill-suited for transportation. Interesting fact: the Portugeuse Man o' War is NOT a jellyfish, but rather a collection of a colonial organisms called "zooids".
 

Not exactly inviting your ass for a seat, is it?

9). Vulture.

Nothing's more majestic than riding on the back of a bird of prey as it soars through the desert skies. Of course, unless you're a highly skilled midget this is a completely impossible feat to accomplish. Even if you somehow are small enough and well trained at dealing with dangerous birds, there's no guarantee you will be successful.


8). Chimpanzee.

Chimps can be suitable riding animals in very rare situations, but the trick to this is the chimpanzee has to be comfortable around you first. In order for that to happen you must have an established relationship with the chimp before even considering a ride. The problem: the chimpanzee will remember you rode it around and disrespected it and often times hold a grudge against you. At that point it's only a matter of time before the chimp tears your face and genitals off.


7). Crocodile.

Alligators are not on this list because gator wrestling is a common enough activity for even children to take part in. It's a bit of a different story when it comes to crocodiles as they are a much more vicious and generally larger creature. If you saddle a croc and hold onto its back, it will most likely engage you in a "Death Roll" and when something's called that, it's never going to end well.


6). Velociraptor.

If by some chance you happen upon an island where due to an eccentric billionaire's genetic experiments, dinosaurs from the Cretaceous period exist in cloned form, you're going to want to avoid trying to ride the Velociprators. The reason is that they were only approximately one meter tall or around half the size of an average adult human being. They weren't like the raptors from the film "Jurassic Park" at all. If they were then I could consider hopping on and taking a gallop, but unfortunately Hollywood magic has led us astray once more.


5). Anaconda.

The thing about riding an anaconda is there's not a great place to grab a hold. Even if you somehow managed to hold on, it's going to be slithering rather than walking or running so basically you're going to be face down about a foot off the ground, constantly slipping off of this snake. The other negative is that it will most likely be trying to wrap around you in order to suffocate and then consume you whole.


4). Polar Bear.

A lot of people grow up thinking polar bears are cuddly and cute animals who drink Coca-Cola, are friends with seals and wear sunglasses while laying around in beach chairs in the arctic, but that could really not be any farther from the truth. You have to remember that they're bears and bears are vicious beasts who murder things just as easily as you or I defecate after too many burritos. It's THAT easy for them and just about as messy. Plus, you wouldn't want to ride a polar bear for ethical reasons since they're becoming extinct. People don't like when you ride endangered species.

Riding something like this doesn't even make sense from an ergonomic standpoint.

  
3). Great White Shark.

This one might seem like an obvious animal not to ride, but you'd be surprised how many people have attempted this in the past. Even if you somehow do maneuver your way onto the back of a Great White, it will most likely thrash around and then bite your legs off. The best animals to ride will typically not do this.


2). Giraffe.

You might think Giraffe would be a better animal to ride than some of the others we've already covered, but the giraffe gets such a high placement on this list due to the difficulty in riding it. Even if you manage to get up high enough onto a giraffe to ride it, it's nearly impossible to see where you're going because of its big ass neck right in your line of sight. The only way to negate this is by riding higher up onto the head, which once again is nearly impossible for anyone who isn't a midget and highly dangerous even if you are.

Giraffes make fine pets, but NOT vehicles.

1). Lion.

It should be no surprise that the king of the jungle takes the top spot on the list of animals you should never try to ride. You don't ride on royalty, folks. Even the cool lions like the ones from the Disney documentary "The Lion King" would just as soon eviscerate you as look at you and those are the friendly ones that dance around singing. It doesn't matter where you plan on going, when you hop on to a lion for a ride the destination is always death.

Riding a lion while on a safari: One human life. Being able to brag about it in Heaven: Priceless.

Please note that just because an animal was not listed here that means it's okay to ride. This is merely a list of the top 12 animals of all-time that you should never attempt to ride even if you are a classically trained midget animal handler with a deep rapport and history with the animal you are attempting to mount.

Good God, they're even horrifying in the afterlife!