Helpful Tips For New Homeless People

With the economy going down the urinal drain, more and more people are going to find themselves homeless. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I think today's society needs to start treating hobos with a little more respect considering it can happen to anyone these days. I am not yet a homeless, but I do think about it often and when it happens I think I'll be better prepared for it. I've come up with five easy things you can do as a homeless individual that might make you question why anyone would want a stupid house to begin with. Now all of this relies on being a NEW homeless person. This stuff probably won't work if you're a full fledged veteran of the houseless lifestyle so please keep that in mind as you read through this.

For FOOD: If you're a new homeless then odds are you don't look too disheveled yet which means you can cruise around in big supermarkets with a shopping cart pretending to shop. While you do this you can walk around eating groceries as many non-homeless people tend to do. If anyone gives you a dirty look just let them know it's from outside. You can also hang out in the produce section and eat things for free, just stay away from the larger more obvious things like cantaloupes and eggplant. When you feel a lot of attention building up just calmly run out of there as fast as you can. The next time you go back make sure it's on a different workshift so none of the same employees are there. Also at most grocery stores they'll have an area where they dump out good food that's past its expiration. A good place to go is any type of hippie liberal type garden food place because even if they catch you taking their old food, odds are they'll be sympathetic and try to ignore you.

Another great way to get food when you're a new hobo is to hang out around McDonald's or any type of fast food place that serves ice cream. When the drive thru employee is handing over the ice cream cone, run up and grab it and sprint away. The employee will think that you are with the people in the car doing a prank called "Coning" and so they will still be left to try to explain what happened which will be difficult when they have no fucking idea.

For SHELTER: If you're in a suburb, find a family with a treehouse. It's kind of creepy, but if the kid is older and moved off to college there's a good chance no one will ever go up there and the family keeps it there as a remembrance of their child's youth. If by some chance the kid is still a kid and finds you then you can try to convince him you're a time traveler or a genie and have him bring you food. It's best not to milk this too much though because it won't be long till he mentions you to his parents and if they own a shotgun, you're screwed.

For CLOTHING: Hang out around bars late at night and when you find a group of really drunk college kids introduce yourself as a porn producer and ask them if they think they're wild enough to audition for a new movie. When they start stripping naked, play along and stay in character until they've removed enough clothing, then grab it all and run. If they seem to be athletic you might want to try and incapacitate them first somehow, I'll leave that up to you. You can then wear the clothes, sell them, or even donate them to a local shelter and ingratiate yourself to the fellow hobo community which will be a great advantage in the future when you're not a new hobo anymore.

There are just a few simple tips to get you started on your journey to being a hobo and GOOD LUCK! I'll think you'll find it's not as bad as people say.

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