The Top 5 Reasons You SHOULD NOT Get Your Pubes Permed

Pubes weren't meant to be permed.

We've all walked into a party naked and been ignored and wondered what went wrong. After a few drinks you think, maybe it's because my pubic hair is too curly. You go to CVS and pick up a home perm kit and say "TODAY'S THE DAY!" but should you go through with it? The answer is no and I'll give you five reasons why.

5). The chemicals could harm your genitals.

My life motto has always been "If it burns, keep it away from your balls." Even if you don't feel any burning or you're able to withstand it, you never know what damage is being done on a microscopic level to your shenanigans.


4). It doesn't look right.

Some people might think straight pubes look good, but it sounds better on paper. What you don't realize is that the curliness of pubic hairs makes them a lot shorter. When they're fully extended it looks like you're wearing a hula skirt on your nutsack.


3). Straightening your pubic hair goes against nature.

Some doctors believe that pubic hair serves an evolutionary purpose to attract potential mates. If that's true then I don't know what message straight pubes sends. If nature intended us to have flat pubes I'm pretty sure that's what would have happened. Most animals have straight pubes, but not us. Could you imagine how weird it would look if a monkey had a curly bush? Well that's how weird a human looks with a straight one.


2). You should be yourself.

At the end of the day you have to be happy with who you are as a person. Some people say having straight pubes would make them happy about themselves, but you shouldn't have to subject your crotch to harsh chemicals to achieve that satisfaction. If you have to, just make a habit of standing naked in a full length mirror every morning and repeating affirmations to yourself about your pubes. It worked wonders for me and I'm sure it will work for you too. It might take months or even years, but just keep at it, eventually something in your head will click and it'll be alright.


1). Ultimately, it just isn't worth the trouble.

When you factor in everything from the violation of nature, to the actual appearance of it, to the damage the home perm can do to your sperm or ovaries, to the actual cost of the home perm kits, and the potential social harm that might come as a result of having glistening, spaghetti pubes, the whole process is not worth the costs. I can't reach through the screen to take the Lilt Home Permanent box out of your hand, but hopefully my words touched you, and touched your pubes so that you don't make the mistake I did.