The Top 5 Best Holidays For Drinking

When you grew up in a house full of alcoholics pretty much every holiday was a time to get liquored up and do irreparable harm to a developing child. However, there are certain holidays that lend themselves more to drinking than others. Even if you're not an alcoholic, these five holidays are ones you should be enjoying completely fecesfaced.



5). President's Day

An underrated holiday, President's Day is one of the best holidays to drink on. Not many things are more fun than getting completely wasted and running around town dressed like John Adams yelling "The British are coming!" and stealing a police horse. Of course it was actually Paul Revere who rode around yelling about British orgasms, but you're drunk what does that matter?

You have to be drunk to dress like this.

4). Christmas

Normally I wouldn't condone drinking heavily on Christmas, but it's really the only way to tolerate carolers. Plus, it's an excellent way to help you fall asleep/pass out when you're too excited to go to bed because of Santa. The more shots you take the sooner Santa is going to arrive, that's what I always tell my kids as they watch me drinking chucking back shots of tequila and vodka.

Being hammered really makes it a lot easier to cut trees out of your neighbor's lawn.

3). St. Patrick's Day

The classic drinking holiday would have to be on this list. Frankly I find it much better to stay sober and pretend like I'm drunk in order to take advantage of people, but it's always nice to join in with the fun every few St. Patrick's Days just for the hell of it.

Maybe you'll be drunk enough to take a dip in the toxic waste polluted river!

2). Chanukah

Drinking on Chanukah is a great idea because the whole holiday is like one giant week long drinking game. The first night you have two drinks, one for the first candle and one for the middle candle. Then the next night you have three drinks, the night after that you have four and so on until the final night when you've had like 10 drinks. The only real negative to this is you're completely poopfaced dancing around a eight tiny fires which is always dangerous and ill advised.

It's not a candelabra, it's a challenge!

1). Easter

Easter is my all-time favorite drinking holiday for a few reasons. None of it makes sense so being drunk puts you at no real disadvantage at parties and Easter egg rolls. Hiding eggs and hunting around for them is a thousand times more fun when you're wasted. Also when you're in a giant bunny costume, vomiting is seen as more cute than sad. With all the hard boiled eggs and chocolate you're going to be eating on Easter, vomiting is almost a mandatory activity so why not be drunk and get your money's worth? Hard boiled chicken eggs and Cadbury creme eggs will fight in your belly and sometimes you need to throw some Jack Daniels on that to calm them down or kick both of their asses. The only negative is you'll probably be in a park full of children and families when you're going berserk dressed like a rabbit throwing pastel painted eggs at everyone and shitting yourself, but hey no one said life was going to be perfect.

Who sits around painting eggs whilst sober? That makes less sense than the bunny!