Ask McFartnuggets: "Can I Microwave a Steel Toy?" and "I have an Irrational Fear of Irrational Fears of Irrational Fears"

Dear McFartnuggets: I'm gonna just come out and say it, I like a warm personal enjoyment item. Usually I just pop one in the oven for a few minutes, but I don't have time for that. I'm having my erotic novel book club over soon and it completely slipped my mind! Everyone's on their way and my personal enjoyment items are all cold! I was thinking about microwaving them, but they're all stainless steel. What do you think I should do? -- Kelly Titpickles in Minnesota

Dear Kelly: DON'T DOOO THATTT!!! Stainless Steel personal enjoyment item 101: The first and most important rule is NEVER put it in a microwave. If you've ever put a steel fork or a cell phone in a microwave you know why. You want sparks in the bedroom, not sparks in the microwave. Not only do you risk ruining the personal enjoyment item and damaging your microwave, but it's a very loud and terrifying experience. Then to top it off, once you take the personal enjoyment item out it's SUPER HOT. Unless you plan on branding cattle with it, there's no use. Even if you were to microwave them now they'd cause horrible burning to everyone who used them and you'd have a bunch of lawsuits on your hands as well as 1st degree burns from holding the personal enjoyment items! Do yourself a favor and DON'T DO IT!

Dear McFartnuggets: Some people out there have a fear of phobias, or a fear of irrational fears which is called Phobophobia, but I have an even rarer problem where I am afraid of having THAT. The doctors don't recognize it as a real problem, they think I'm a classic Phobophobiac, but I'm not afraid of getting Arachnophobia or Claustrophobia, I'm afraid of being afraid of getting Arachnophobia or Claustrophobia. I have a fear of being a Phobophobiac so whenever the doctors tell me that's what I am I totally freak out and become very unstable. No one can seem to help me! What should I do? -- Knifani from Richmond

Dear Knifani: That sounds like a very complicated problem to have to deal with. I think just for the sake of recovery you should attempt to mentally consolidate your fear of having a fear of fears into just a fear of fears. When you think about it, you're really just afraid of fears, but you're choosing to take it a step further by fearing the fear of fearing fears which isn't entirely necessary. I may be offending you by saying this, but I don't think your extra level of fear is something that is even a real thing. You should just get used to the idea of fearing phobias by themselves and not fearing phobophobia. Once you do that you can start on learning not to be afraid of phobias and maybe one day be cured. But if you continue down this line there may come a time when you find yourself classified as a Phobophobophobiaphobiac which of course would be a person who is afraid of being fearful of the fear of fearing fears and that would start to get a little ridiculous.

This is probably what Knifani looks like.
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