Ask McFartnuggets: "Boyfriend Talks to Tampons" and "Do Wet Willies Count as Rape?"

Dear McFartnuggets: I have this problem that I've been trying to avoid for some time now. My boyfriend of three years has begun to talk to my tampons. It all started about a year and a half ago when I asked him to go to the store and buy me a box of tampons. When he gave them to me I noticed the box had been opened and there was one missing. I didn't think anything of it at the time and every time I would ask him to buy me new tampons this would happen. Then about a week ago I was meeting him at the mall and noticed from far away, he didn't see me yet and it looked like he was talking to a mouse or something. He was petting this little white thing in his hand and saying things to it, but I couldn't hear what it was. As I got closer I realized it was one of my tampons! I asked him what he was doing and he freaked out and put the tampon into his pocket and I felt so awkward about it that I never brought it up again. Then about a month ago I was over at his apartment and I started snooping around. I opened up his closet and found like this cardboard circus with dozens of tampons dressed up like mice with little googly eyes and whiskers. Some were dressed up like clowns, one was dressed like a ringmaster and they were all set up like dioramas or something. I shut the door and ran home crying. I don't know what this means! Does this mean he's a serial killer? Help me! -- Donna in Vermont

Dear Donna: Relax, every man goes through a phase of talking to tampons, it's totally normal. I remember the first time I held a tampon. Fortunately for me I was only like 7-years-old so I was able to get all that out of my system at an early age. Having fun with tampons as a boy is like chicken pox, it's better to get it when you're a kid, because it can be socially and medically devastating as an adult. Your boyfriend basically has the shingles of tampons. All you can do is treat him normally and use it as a way to get closer. He clearly has a passion for the circus, you might want to plan a trip there to your next outing, and don't forget the tampons! Cheers!

Dear McFartnuggets: A male co-worker snuck up behind me the other day and gave me a "wet willy". It was disgusting and gross and I felt really bad about it. I felt dirty after wards and had to clean my ear out with soap and I was on the verge of tears. Everyone was laughing and I felt like a total loser. I told my boss and he just reprimanded the guy, but I don't think that's enough punishment for what he did! I feel like it was basically rape. What can I do? -- Dorothy from Florida

Dear Dorothy: I've always considered wet willies to be rape. I mean think about it, you're putting yourself and your bodily fluids into a hole in someone's body unwillingly. To me that's rape. If you put a finger in someone's body against their will, that's rape and it doesn't have to be a vagina, it can be a butt. So if fingers and other holes besides a vagina count as rape, why shouldn't it apply to a finger in an ear! You were assaulted and it shows based on how you feel about it. Emotions don't lie. Never be made to feel like you're the one with the problem. This was something that happened to you because of some freak idiot scumbag and you shouldn't be victimized like that. I would contact your job's human resources and tell them what happened. They should be able to get that son-of-a-bitch fired and maybe even your boss too for ignoring the crime. If by some chance they don't then I would find a lawyer and sue the hell out of the whole company. Violating people's holes is violating people's holes and women shouldn't be treated like that. Case closed!

The "But it was just fingers!" excuse has never and will never work for me so it should not work for anyone else either!
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