Ask McFartnuggets: "Woman Ended Date Over Zodiac Sign" and "Will My Period Attract Sharks?"

Dear McFartnuggets: I was on a date with this chick at a mini-golf place. It was going great and we had a lot of fun. Then we went to Olive Garden for dinner and she asked me what zodiac sign I was. I told her I was a Taurus and she dropped the glass she was drinking from. She said that she never dates Tauruses or Libras and started screaming really loud like a siren, completely going berserk. I tried to calm her down, but she kept screaming like a giant boiling tea kettle so I just left and I haven't been able to talk to her since. She won't answer any of my calls. Is there anything I can do to fix this? The relationship was going great, I don't get what happened. If it was that important to her why didn't she just ask before we even started mini-golf? -- Rick from Pasadena

Dear Rick: Sorry, I don't answer questions from people who are a Taurus... Haha, just kidding. This woman sounds like a severe lunatic. You have to watch out for people who get too far into the Zodiac signs. There must be something about having a vagina that makes you more sensitive to the force of stars and the tides. It's probably estrogen related, but there are certainly enough women out there who won't flip a nut at a classy place like the Olive Garden based on what month you were born. The best thing you can do is just outright tell a woman what your zodiac sign is right before a date even gets started that way you can weed out the psychos early. Even if they don't turn into an insane human siren, if they start discussing that shit at length then that's automatically a warning sign you're dealing with a character.

Dear McFartnuggets: Long story short, me and my best friend were invited to the beach by this really rich guy and he's invited us to go swimming later on tonight in the ocean. The problem is, this particular area of the water has been known for shark attacks, I'm currently on my period, and I only have maxi pads and a thong. I'm getting really worried I will menstruate into the water and have that lure the sharks to me. Should I be worried? - Maria in Cali

Dear Maria: Who brings a thong and maxi pads? Are you serious right now, girlfriend? You gotta plan ahead for that kind of thing. Now a lot of people say that sharks don't get attracted to period blood, but I don't see how that's possible. Blood is blood. People who think sharks aren't attracted to period blood are probably the same people who think vampires aren't attracted to period blood. I'll bet you nine times out of ten, you had a vampire a shot glass of menstrual blood and a shot glass of neck blood they won't be able to tell the difference as long as you've been staying fresh downtown. That's like saying if a man bleeds from the ass, a shark won't sense it, of course it will. How do you think my uncle died? If I were you I would make a tampon out of the maxi pad material and pray for the best. Actually I might just not go swimming at all, no I think I'd give it a shot. I would at least want to see if I could make my own tampon out of a maxi pad. In fact, I might try that out anyway.
If you look closely you can see these Filipino guys caught this shark in the middle of it eating a woman on her period.
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