Ask McFartnuggets: "Where Does Spider-Man Keep His Cell Phone?" and "Baby Bump Without Being Pregnant?"

Dear McFartnuggets: I recently saw "The Amazing Spider-Man" and in it, Spider-Man uses his cell phone like eight different times while he's out fighting crime. Where does he hide his phone? How is he able to have it with him when he's in a skintight costume? -- Amy from Delaware

Dear Amy: You might not want to hear this, but it's pretty obvious that Spider-Man hides the phone up his ass. Believe it or not, this is not an uncommon practice. Inmates in prisons will often smuggle in various cell phones in their rectal cavities so they can use them in jail. This really makes what Spider-Man does even more impressive. Think about it, he's swinging, flipping, and fighting crime all with a Nokia phone tucked in his anus. Spiders aren't known for being able to hold things up their asses, but that's something only Peter Parker can do which is what makes him the one and only Spider-Man. He can design web shooters and hide full-size cellular telephones up his butthole. Any other man wouldn't be able to do that nearly as well. What if his "Spidey-sense" was just him getting a call on vibrate this whole time...

Dear McFartnuggets: I took three weeks off from work for vacation and when I came back my co-workers complimented me on my new "baby bump." The only problem is, I'm not pregnant. I was eating a lot over my vacation though, I was enjoying all sorts of new foods and going to barbecues, eating out for every meal. Should I tell them I'm not pregnant? What do you think I should do? -- Chubby Baby in Dallas

Dear Chubby Baby: That's messed up. Don't take it personally though, most people are just really quick to notice any type of pot belly on a woman and assume it's a "baby bump" with Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian being pregnant these days. If I were you, I wouldn't say anything about it. You should just roll with it and keep receiving well wishes from people. If you want you could even start eating more and really play it up so that you start receiving gifts. Even if you get baby toys and clothes you can sell them for cash, or donate them. That would be the perfect revenge against those idiots who think you're pregnant. Then when you stop overeating you can just say you had a miscarriage or better yet take another couple of weeks for vacation and claim that you gave the baby up for adoption and have that be the end of that. I hope whatever you choose to do ends up working out for you!

Pregnant woman or ravenous ham addict? You be the judge.
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