Ask McFartnuggets: "Airport Security Will Allow Small Knives on Planes" and "Freddy Krueger vs. Edward Scissorhands?"

Dear McFartnuggets: The TSA has announced that starting in April, people will be allowed to bring small knives, baseball bats, golf clubs, and hockey sticks on board airplanes. This seems like a pretty bad idea. The 9/11 terrorists did what they did with the use of box cutters, basically small knives. No one needs a small knife on a plane anyway unless it would be to take a hostage and do some crazy terrorist type stuff. As far as baseball bats and golf clubs go, it is difficult to imagine a hijacker doing another 9/11 with a baseball bat, but you have to keep in mind the ingenuity of evil. To assume that a hijacker would just swing a baseball bat around is stupid. They can always splinter it in a certain way to make a much more lethal spear and the same goes for golf clubs. As a person who's been in prison before I can attest to the lethal nature of improvised stabbing weapons or shivs. It might be more difficult to do a 9/11 these days, but that doesn't mean we have to start making it easier by allowing these types of weapons on planes. Terrorists always wait for security to loosen back up before they try to strike again, right? -- Mallory from Wisconsin

Dear Mallory: Jesus Christ... That was A LOT. I think you're taking this way too seriously. 9/11 was like 10 years ago! Since then how many times has a terrorist tried to skyjack a plane with a golf club or baseball bat? I think you're forgetting about all the golfers and baseball players who are often inconvenienced by having to check their "lethal weapons" before getting on a flight. And who cares about small knives? Unless the flight attendants are midgets, I sincerely doubt a small knife will be able to defeat them. The flight attendants these days are trained to deal with threats and have taken martial arts defense courses. Paranoid people like you are the reason we're not allowed to have garden shears on airplanes anymore!


Dear McFartnuggets: Who would win if Edward Scissorhands and Freddy Krueger fought? -- T'Qwayne in Juneau, Alaska

Dear T'Qwyane: I don't know why everyone automatically assumes just because two guys have pointy ass hands they would immediately want to fight each other. Personally I think they might be able to bond on their common ground. They'd probably shake hands, become BFFs and exchange asswiping tips. That's so racist to assume that all scissorhanded individuals want to fight like they're some sort of violent people. Why not just ask what would happen if Lassie fought Cujo? That's actually the exact dog parallel to this question and it's equally stupid. Also you have to keep in mind that Freddy Krueger can only be in people's dreams and I'm not even sure Edward Scissorhands dreams. So to think that these two would actually meet is ridiculous, but if I had to give you an answer I'd give the EDGE to Freddy because he's a murderer and that whole thing. Yeah Edward killed Anthony Michael Hall, but that was more like justifiable manslaughter and hey, we've all been through that so I can totally sympathize.

What if the fight between Edward Scissorhands and Freddy Krueger spilled into a well?

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