Ask McFartnuggets: "Why Doesn't Anyone Have a Pimple Fetish?" and "Afraid to Eat Lunch in Public at Work"

Dear McFartnuggets: I am a man with a moderate to severe case of acne. It's pretty bad most of the time and women refuse to engage me socially because of it. What makes it worse is when I see websites where people with strange disabilities are getting laid just because of their deformities. There are people out there who find amputees super sexy and people with clubbed feet, people with strange noses, people with oddly shaped nipples, etc. But where are all the freaks who think pimples are sexy? If I could only find a group like this maybe my life wouldn't be so terrible! What is it about people with skin abnormalities that's any worse than someone who has nipple that look like monkey wrenches??? -- Ethan in Orlando

Dear Ethan: Despite what you say, I'm sure there are groups like that out there. I don't really want to look for any because I just cleaned out my browser history and I don't want my grandma getting nosy thinking I got problems. As you mentioned, there are people out there who find the strangest things attractive, hell there are even people out there who think animals are attractive. Hey, to each his own. So to think that your delicious balls of human string cheese aren't sexy to someone out there is absurd. In fact, I'm probably sure that more people like it than let on. Maybe everyone likes it and they're just too scared to admit it. That's why there aren't as many websites about it, because it's like how everyone loves breathing air. You don't see porn groups out there for air because no one stops to think about how great it is, but they know deep down they love it. People just have to be reminded about how attractive acne really is.

Dear McFartnuggets: I have a phobia of eating in front of people and I was able to deal with it around friends, but now it's becoming a burden on my work life. A couple days ago on my lunch break at work I decided to have hot dogs. Usually what I do is eat my lunch in the stairwell away from everyone, but this time the stairwell was locked for some reason so I found the janitor's broom closet. Anyway I was eating my hot dogs in the dark in the broom closet which smelled terrible and to my shock the door opened and the janitor saw me eating my hot dogs in his closet. He screamed. I dropped my food and ran away. I feel really weird about this now and I have no idea if the stairwell is ever going to be unlocked. The worst part is, I think the janitor is in charge of that so I can't even ask. What should I do? -- Ben from New Jersey

Dear Ben: Hmm, that is a difficult position to be in. I can only imagine the look on your face when the door opened and the CUSTODIAN found you in his FLOOR CLEANSING DEVICE CONTAINMENT SYSTEM FACILITY. Please in the future, be more considerate when referring to these people, it's a real profession and they take their work seriously as they should. Try being a little more politically correct, it's not a "broom closet". If the fear is eating in public then I think what you need to do is just get a big trash bag, climb inside of that and eat, or better yet a beekeeper or hazmat type suit. Put the food inside the suit in front of the head and black out the front part where you look out so no one can see inside. To them, they'll just see you in a bomb squad costume and have no idea you're choking down wieners in there. Problem solved. Thanks for sharing.

If these pie-eatin' sons-of-bitches aren't afraid to eat in public why should you be?
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