Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Can’t I Remember Anything Before I Was 2 Years Old?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I was reminiscing about old times with my mother when she brought up the time she almost accidentally dropped me off a ledge when I was one and a half years old. For some reason I had no recollection of this at all. Then I started thinking more and realized I couldn’t remember any of the things that happened to me before I was about two years old. My first real memory was when I was around two and a half when a clown… never mind. I don’t want to get into it right now. Why can’t I remember anything before I was two years old? -- Joel from Irving, Texas

Dear Joel:
Don’t worry, it’s totally normal to not remember anything before you were 2-years-old. There are a few theories as to why this is the case. There have been some studies that show there are cannabinoids in human breast milk. Cannabinoids are compounds also found in marijuana which of course causes memory problems. That’s right. You might be suffering mammary related memory loss. The other theory that I believe is more accurate is the fact that nothing really interesting or important happens to anyone in their first two years of life. Therefore, it’s not critical to actively remember anything from that time period. There are no real memories to make, plus your brain is still not strong enough to form them even if worthwhile things were happening to a baby, which they don’t. There’s just a whole lot of sucking on your mother’s boobs and shitting your pants which most people would like to forget.

Could breast pumps be the equivalent of baby bongs?

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