Dear McFartnuggets: I accidentally slept in my contacts last night and my eyes hurt a lot. Should I go to the doctor or call my optometrist? Help! What should I do? -- Turdboy87@netzero.com
Dear Turdboy: How the hell did you manage to sleep in your contacts?! Even if you somehow managed to split the contact open into two pieces like you’re fileting a pork chop it’s too small for even an ant to fit inside that thing much less FALL ASLEEP! Are you sure you really slept in your contacts or did you fall asleep with your contacts in? Those are two completely different things. If you did manage to do the latter then yes your eyes are most likely horrifically damaged and you should contact an eye doctor immediately, thanks for the question!
Dear McFartnuggets: I’ve been pondering my own mortality a lot lately and I feel the spectre of death looming over my shoulder like an inevitable surprise waiting to pounce on me. I’ve never been a very religious person, but how can I make peace with the lord before I die? I don’t want to get up to Heaven and have it be all awkward, I’m looking for the least awkward situation in Heaven’s bursar’s office or whatever as humanly possible. -- Melanie from Detroit
Thanks for the questions and keep on sending them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com