Ask McFartnuggets: “Does The 5-Second Rule Apply to Babies?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
The 5-Second Rule says that you can drop food on the floor and if you pick it up within 5 seconds it’s totally fine and there’s no damage done. I was wondering does the same thing apply to babies? If I dropped a baby on the floor and picked it up a second later is it okay? -- Beverly from Louisville, Kentucky

Dear Beverly:
Well, I wouldn’t recommend eating the baby regardless of whether you dropped it or not. Also, the 5-Second Rule is pretty much bullshit. It entirely depends on what you dropped the food on. If the floor is covered in rat shit then you can pick it up in 0.01 seconds and you’re still going to get sick. If it’s perfectly clean then you can leave a roast turkey sitting bare on the floor for the better part of a night and it’ll be fine to eat. This logic applies to babies as well. Now if you’ve dropped the baby on a hard floor made of concrete or brick then that’s obviously bad, but if you’ve dropped it on a very soft linoleum or a gym mat then it might be okay. It all depends on the floor! Hope that answers your question and I hope you dropped the baby on something soft otherwise I advise taking it to an emergency room ASAP.

Babies are meant to be on the floor always. Just leave them there and you'll never have to worry about dropping them.

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