Ask McFartnuggets: “Who Would Win in a Fight: Oprah vs. Ellen?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Who would win in a fight between Oprah and Ellen?
Here are the conditions:
1. Oprah is in character. Ellen is not.
2. No BFR
3. Setting: A fully populated New York City.
4. Random Encounter
5. 30 minutes prep for both

Who comes out on top? -- Harold from Copenhagen, Denmark

Dear Harold:
Wow that’s a tough one! Oprah likely has the physical strength advantage as well as the wealth advantage. Oprah is only 4 years older than Ellen. They’re both 5’7”. This is a very close matchup. Of course you left out whether or not we’re talking about inshape Oprah or fat Oprah. That matters. Ellen is no slouch though, she’s much more agile and you get the idea she has a killer instinct. I think this one could come down to your conditions. Now if Oprah is in character that means she’s going to be giving away a lot of free shit to people which would probably encourage them to help her. She’d say “I’ll give a free Pontiac if you help me kill Ellen.” A number of people would probably take her up on that offer. Now because Ellen is not in character she won’t be as much of the spunky, loveable cartoon she is on TV so people might even doubt it’s Ellen and that would help them in their decision to assist Oprah in dispatching her. Now due to their prep time they’ll likely both be armed to the teeth. Since it’s a random encounter I’d think Ellen might have the edge reflex-wise. Ultimately it would come down to how many guns Oprah could procure and how many civilians she could recruit. Regardless of the conditions I think you have to give Oprah the slight edge, but you can’t count Ellen out entirely. She is very wily and also a lesbian, you can’t ignore that part of it. Oprah has been accused of being a lesbian, but the jury is still out on that. In a fight between a straight woman and a lesbian you normally take the lesbian. I don’t know if there’s science to back that up, but most people probably would pick the lesbian without any additional information. I’m not defending that standpoint. That’s just how it is. When it’s all said and done, I say Oprah wins about 8 out of 10 fights versus Ellen.

It would take a damn miracle to defeat Oprah.

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