Dumbass Sayings: "Put Your Money Where Your Mouth is"

When you challenge someone to a hardboiled egg eating contest they say “How about you make this interesting and put your money where your mouth is!” Why would anyone ever do that? Strippers won't even do this. If you’ve ever tried to put a dollar bill in a stripper’s mouth you know what I’m talking about. You get forcibly thrown out of the club. The reason money in the mouth is so unsanitary is actually because of strippers to begin with. Strippers put money lots of other places like their genitals and anus. There should be a way to literally launder money at home, but no one ever cleans their money. And because dollar bills are made of 75% cotton and 25% linen it’s like carrying around a clump of shitty underpants with you everywhere you go. The fibers soak in bacteria, dirt, and excrement. You have no idea where your last dollar bill came from. It could have come from a 7-11 cashier who took it from a hobo who just used his bare hand to wipe his ass five minutes ago. Everyone touches money and they readily exchange it. Every time you get your change from a store you're touching about 10,000 other people so just putting a single bill to your lips is basically the germ equivalent of letting a person dying of the plague fart in your face. I don’t even know how this makes sense as a figure of speech. Your money can be in a bank account in another country entirely and you can still make a wager. It’s nowhere near your mouth and has no reason to ever be near your mouth literally or figuratively. Your mouth is just where you say things out of. Your brain is where the belief that you can win a bet is held so the saying should be “Put your money where your confidence is.” If you put your money where your mouth is I’ll put my money where my mouth is and bet you’re going to get really sick.

When you think about it, money is basically used shitrags that we just pass around.

Dumbass Sayings: “Screw The Pooch”

Sometimes at work when you miss a deadline on a report your co-workers say “You really screwed the pooch there!” Look I get that I made a mistake, but I think there’s a slight difference between missing a deadline and copulating with a dog. One is just an accident because you got really drunk one night and the other is missing a deadline at work… Of course I’m being facetious. Clearly, making love to a dog is a serious crime so unless your act of figuratively “screwing of the pooch” is an illegal activity then this phrase shouldn’t be used to describe it. Bestiality is not something to be joked about in the workplace. Don’t you see all those commercials about rescue dogs? People take animals very seriously and that means you can’t fuck them. Could you imagine if you missed a deadline on a report and people at work said “Boy you really got caught on Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator!” People take that much too seriously to be joking about it. Well, I think giving a dog your bone should be right up there with meeting teenagers in chatrooms. You shouldn’t be joking about that stuff at work, Andrew.

This isn't what it looks like.

Dumbass Sayings: “Cat Got Your Tongue?”

Sometimes when your wife asks you to explain the dead Guatemalan migrant worker in your basement and you remain silent while struggling to think of a good excuse she’ll say “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?” This is a completely bizarre saying that I can’t believe still persists. Do people even stop to think about what this means? The origins of this saying are unknown, but I think it’s pretty obvious where this came from. Clearly someone was making out with their cat and the cat bit their tongue off. They had to go to the hospital to be treated, a portion of their tongue had to be amputated to prevent infection and from that day on he couldn’t speak properly. That’s a horrible story and I don’t know why anyone would want to conjure that thought up. Let us bury that moment in time forever and never speak of it again. While the man is likely long dead, his descendants are probably still tortured and ashamed anytime they hear this. Yes, it does provide a bit of a warning to people who are thinking about French kissing their cat, but really, who needs a warning about that? If they’re gonna do it they’re gonna do it. I wish there was a way to stop them, but hey, if the cat isn’t having fun it can always “get their tongue.”

This cat will take more than your tongue if you try that shit.