Dumbass Sayings: “Cat Got Your Tongue?”

Sometimes when your wife asks you to explain the dead Guatemalan migrant worker in your basement and you remain silent while struggling to think of a good excuse she’ll say “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?” This is a completely bizarre saying that I can’t believe still persists. Do people even stop to think about what this means? The origins of this saying are unknown, but I think it’s pretty obvious where this came from. Clearly someone was making out with their cat and the cat bit their tongue off. They had to go to the hospital to be treated, a portion of their tongue had to be amputated to prevent infection and from that day on he couldn’t speak properly. That’s a horrible story and I don’t know why anyone would want to conjure that thought up. Let us bury that moment in time forever and never speak of it again. While the man is likely long dead, his descendants are probably still tortured and ashamed anytime they hear this. Yes, it does provide a bit of a warning to people who are thinking about French kissing their cat, but really, who needs a warning about that? If they’re gonna do it they’re gonna do it. I wish there was a way to stop them, but hey, if the cat isn’t having fun it can always “get their tongue.”

This cat will take more than your tongue if you try that shit.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Kiss Their Dogs?”

If your tongue is in the dog's
mouth you've gone too far.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I saw a woman today in the park kissing her dog like French kissing her dog right in the mouth. How can people do this? They walk their dog around and the dog just sniffing and sticking it’s nose and mouth into other dog’s piss, garbage, and hobo feces and all sorts of nasty crap that’s on the streets and then these people go and lick that debris and residue off the dog’s face? Don’t people think about this? That is so goddamn gross! Look I get that dog’s saliva is cleaner than humans, but that doesn’t change the fact they just licked where a hobo masturbated and some drunk guy pissed. And where do we draw the line when it comes to kissing dogs? Dogs lick their ballsacks all the time. That means when you kiss a dog you’re basically kissing the dog’s balls. At what point do you intervene when a man and his dog are basically making out in public? Isn’t that supposed to be illegal? What the hell is wrong with people? -- Irene from Fort Myers

Dear Irene:

Yeah personally I agree with you. I know people love their animals, but it’s just more acceptable for people to kiss dogs. I think it has to do with how they’ve evolved with us to be companions and life partners. People accept a guy kissing a dog, but when they see me kissing cats in public it’s a little more awkward. I guess it’s because they’re stray cats and I’m just putting tuna in my mouth and letting them eat it off my tongue, but hey it’s my life and it’s now or never. I don’t wanna live forever. I JUST WANNA LIVE WHILE IM ALIVE! CAUSE IT’S MYYYY LIIIIIIIIFE! (Is what I sing to people who have a problem with what I’m doing.)

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and learn how to show love to your pets in less sexualized ways.