Subway's $5 Footlongs Not Really A Foot Long?

The Subway Sandwich Organization is in the news again for criticism that their famed $5 footlongs are not always 12 complete inches long. I don't know why this is being blown out of proportion. Every woman knows it's not length that matters, it's circumference. That being said, Subway fails miserably in that department as well. Of all the complaints you can throw at Subway, why length? What about the fact that they use atom thin slices of deli meats and cheeses that come from god knows where and their bread smells like burnt plastic and feet?

Despite the fact that anyone who measures their sandwich at home is a sociopath, this issue does highlight the incompetence of Subway and should raise awareness about how shitty they are. Why does their avocado look suspiciously like an ill hobo's mucus? Who is this "Mike Lee" character on their commercials that they present to the audience as a celebrity? And when will they write me an official letter of apology for giving me a stomach virus from their undercooked bacon fifteen years ago? Subway has a lot of questions to answer and the length of their footlong is just the start.