Who Are The World's Best Crappers?

It's a subject talked about almost nonstop these days: Which animal on Earth is the best at crapping out poop? Everyone who's reached a certain age realizes that shitting is not only a skill, but an art. Everyone does it from man to shark to worm, so the question is, who is best at bowel movements? Here's my completely subjective top five:

5. Rhinoceros - If you've never seen a video of a rhinoceros crapping before it's really something else. It's basically like a human woman giving birth except to a shitbaby. What we consider a miracle of life these rhinos do at least once a day.

4. Human - Some might question why a human would be ranked above a rhino, but if you've ever been into the bathroom on Thanksgiving after my Aunt Barbara you know why I did this.

3. Elephant - A single elephant turd is enough to feed a family of six for up to a month.

2. Blue Whale - Number two deserves a special mention on this list and due to sheer mass, the largest mammal on Earth is the only choice. Plus it's underwater which means when they have diarrhea it comes out like a cloud. Can you imagine being caught in a Blue Whale diarrhea cloud? Yeah go ahead and give that a thought.

1. Hippopotamus - Hippos have the total pooping package: they're big, they have liquidy stools often, and they have style. You can tell when a hippo is about to crap because they start swinging their tail around like an old Wright Brothers propeller plane. Then as they're in the act of shitting the tail flies all over the place in essence, flinging the dookie in all directions as if to purposely hit onlookers at the zoo. For this they claim the title of Undisputed World Bowel Movement Champions. But beware hippos, I'm working on copying your method and if I somehow find a surgeon who is willing to attach a working hippo tail right above my cornhole I'm coming for that number one spot!