Elderly Woman Survives Five Days in Bathroom

No one talked about this news story and I cannot see why, "It's bloody amazing!" As they would say in England, which has nothing to do with this story. But seriously, let's hunt this woman down and hound her for the details of this awesome story. The world needs more news like this. Don't let her rest until we know all the details!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Why America Doesn't Like Soccer

In a biting loss that is sure to set U.S. soccer back farther than Landon Donovan's hairline, the Americans have given people in Ghana something to cheer about. The biggest question that came out of this World Cup classic was "Isn't Mick Jagger English?" What is he doing cheering for America when England is still in the tournament? Was James Brown rooting for Germany? Were Hall and Oates rooting for North Korea? Was Hannah Montana rooting for Cameroon?! I honestly can't say for sure, but I assume not.

When they showed footage of large groups of Americans watching the game it made me wonder why they didn't show any people in Ghana watching the game. Then I remembered that would require television sets. I'm glad Ghana won. Let them have some enjoyment here. Those fans deserve it way more than Americans do. We have too many sports to cheer for and most other nations only have soccer so it's unfair to beat them. Of course we won't though, because we don't care.

We don't care about soccer for a number of reasons, one of which is there are too many ways to delay and halt action. From faking injuries to taking a long time to get off the field for a substitution, there's just a lot of inactivity occurring at any given time on a soccer field. In American sports, it ain't over til the fat lady sings. In soccer, it ain't over til the referee arbitrarily "blows." There are many more reasons why Americans will never fully accept soccer, but those are enough as it is. To top it all off, we suck at it despite having a very diverse population of athletes. Now that the U.S. team lost we can finally get back to worrying about a hurricane forcing oily watered death storms onto the coasts of America and stop with all this silly soccer nonsense.

New Shocking Medical News: Viagra Causes Hearing Loss

A new medical study of 11,525 men has shown that men who take Viagra are more likely to experience hearing loss than those who do not. This phenomenon has been baffling the science and medical community, but I think there's a pretty simple explanation. Aside from the fact that most men who take Viagra are older and therefore going to experience some natural hearing loss eventually regardless of what kind of dick pills they're swallowing, there's a pretty obvious reason why this could be happening.

When you take Viagra you're probably going to be engaging in sexual intercourse of some type with a human (hopefully) or at the very least going to the mall to expose yourself to the people at The Sharper Image. Whatever you do, there's a good chance people will be screaming. These screams shoot out of their voice holes in the form of harmful sound waves at high decibel levels and if exposed to these "magical throat noises" too long or too often, you will experience hearing loss. So take that and put in your medical marijuana pipe and smoke it, doctors!

My Thoughts on the Zazuflootas

Of course there is no musical nature to the plastic zoozooploota horn that nearly every South African owns and brings to a World Cup soccer game, but I'm becoming a fan. It does sound a lot like a camel passing a kidney stone and when coupled with others begins to sound like you have a brain tumor, but I feel it does add a bit to the games on TV.

On TV, these zeezafluties provide a bit of ambiance and atmosphere to the games. That's important. I don't know why the people in the crowd never want to stop blowing during the games, but if they never stop that means they're enjoying it and I'm never one to stop someone from blowing if they're enjoying it.

The vookindoozies have been facing a lot of stern criticism lately especially from people who attend the World Cup games. If it were me sitting next to a bunch of people blowing on teegovilchins I would probably be upset, but then again that serves me right for going to a soccer game.

Let us be clear, these zingaflappos belong in South Africa or at soccer games only. The New York Yankees had to recently ban fans from using voozieplankos during games and I agree with that. Baseball is hard enough to pay attention to without someone playing the death rattle of a humpback whale in your ear.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

The Oily Bird Photos

I don't like photographers taking video of the Gulf pelican birds covered in oil. Yeah the birds need help and people need to know about this, now if its so jizzin' sad put down the camera and wash those bitches off! Don't you have a tissue handy from when ya had to clean your pants when realizing what a great photo-op you just stumbled onto?

I think we get the idea after a few seconds of footage maybe even just a single photograph, but they're filming several minutes when they could be helping in any way possible. One video I saw featured a full minute of an oily bird getting tossed around by waves. I know you probably shouldn't just run up and rub a bird with a rag, but I'm sure if you hold it down it will thank you later.

Video is just unnecessary here. Anyone who wants to feel sad about this will feel sad after seeing a photo, it's people who don't give a crap who will say its photoshopped and might need a longer video clip to believe it, but they're not going to help anyway so who gives a hell what they think? The bird must be thinking, "What is this a f*cking c**k *ss feathery photoshoot? My flesh is burning over here!!!"

-Binkie McFartnuggets