Ask McFartnuggets: “Is There a Difference Between Alimony and Delayed Prostitution?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Oh queso, I’m getting an divorce this fall and my soon to be ex-wife is ranting on about alimony payments and how I gotta be paying her money now that we’re splitting because we didn’t have a prenumshual agreement or some shit. So lemme get this straight she wants money for being with me. Now call me crazy but isn’t that just delayed prostitution? You pay a hooker to be with you and pay her right after. In this case she was with me for 11 years and because it took longer than an hour all the money added up over time. It’s the same thing isn’t it? -- Maxwell from Topeka, Kansas

Dear Maxwell:

First of all I’m not cheese so stop calling me queso. I think you meant to say “Okay so.” People say “Okay so,” not say “Oh queso.” Also, it’s a “prenuptial” agreement that you’re supposed to agree to before a marriage. People agree to those to make sure no alimony/delayed prostitution charges accrue interest over the course of the marriage. There are some similarities between alimony and paying a prostitute except you’re paying for true love (or at least what you thought was true love). Obviously if you’re the one paying the alimony then you brought in most of the money in the relationship. Because of that, in getting married to this person, you valued their love at the same level as your salary or maybe even more. When the marriage ends prematurely you’re expected to pay back that value of love in cash. A prenuptial agreement could have prevented that, but you assumed the risk by not getting one. Just like a hooker, you engaged in conversation with her and once you do that you’re culpable for whatever negative outcomes arise. It’s essentially like negotiating a hooker into servicing you for free. If there’s love then it’s possible. Of course that’s virtually impossible to set up with a prostitute, and that’s the key difference.

To some, there's not much difference between an ex-wife and a long term hooker, especially if she was blowing some other guy... for money.

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