Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Find Puffed Up Lips Attractive?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

A lot of women are getting lip injections to make their lips look like they were attacked by wasps. Why is this puffy lips look considered attractive? Why is it attractive to make your mouth look like a big swollen baboon’s asshole? Isn’t that a little weird? Why are people attracted to baboon ass mouths? -- Chelsea from New Haven, Connecticut

Dear Chelsea:

Well, the mouth isn’t just the beginning of the digestive system, it also plays a huge role in sex and attraction. As much as we don’t want to admit it, the mouth is basically an extra head anus. It’s just a reverse anus basically. It’s a bizarro anus. If body parts were related, the anus and mouth would be like twins who live on opposite sides of the world and don’t talk a lot. You can’t forget that we evolved from the same ancestor as chimpanzees so we share some common interests with our fellow primates. For apes, the buttocks and anus serve as a sexual presentation site. For humans, they’re more like breasts on your backside. So getting bigger lips is essentially like increasing the size of your metaphorical backtittied assmouth. Getting lip injections might seem like too much for you, but odds are you’ve used lipstick at some point which is the same idea. Lipstick is seen as sexy because it makes the lips look like a blood engorged vagina or anus. I’m sorry, I know this might be a little disturbing, but it’s science. Ironically, swollen lips are a natural symptom of Crohn's Disease. Yes, that’s the shitting disease. Oddly enough, Crohn’s disease is classified as a specific type of inflammatory bowel disease that can affect any area between the mouth and anus. There’s clearly a linkage here that I haven’t quite figured out yet, but suffice it to say the mouth and anus share a very common, disgusting bond.

All these people paying for lip injections when they could just get Herpes for free...

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