Ask McFartnuggets: “Should Churches Have Bathrooms?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I went to a new church last week and they had a bathroom. I remember the church I went to as a child also had a bathroom. I never went in there because I was scared of the priests, but that’s another story. Isn’t it weird for churches to have bathrooms? Why would you want to poop in the house of God? Wouldn’t he take offense to that? Could it be possible that God lets bad things happen to people because we’re peeing and pooping in his houses of worship? To me, that would be an insult. Why not make an outhouse nearby instead just to be safe? -- William from Savannah, Georgia

Dear William:

Well, I think that if god is a gracious host then he wouldn’t mind people shitting in his house. After all, we are supposedly made in his image which you have to assume involves a digestive system and rectum. Therefore, god is no stranger to defecation and urination. Even if he doesn’t do it himself, I’m sure he understands it’s a natural thing for us humans and while an outhouse might be nice, it’s certainly not necessary. I agree that it is weird to just show up in someone’s house to worship them and then drop a deuce in their toilet, but he’s god. He can’t be insulted by something so basic. We have no free will when it comes to crapping. As long as you’re respectful in the church bathroom, (i.e. not pissing on the seat, remembering to flush, washing your hands before you go shake people’s hands, etc.) everything should be fine.

Church bathrooms are the only place to take a literal "holy shit."

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