Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do We Congratulate People on Getting Married?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Why do we have to congratulate people on getting married? That’s like congratulating someone on betting half their money on a roulette wheel that takes years to stop. They didn’t do anything special. People get married all the time, it doesn’t really take any skill. It’s not an achievement of any kind. It’s two people deciding they want to combine their lives. Now if they stay married for 20 years or longer then maybe some congratulations are in order. That actually requires some determination and commitment. That’s the type of thing you’re supposed to congratulate people on. You don’t congratulate someone on starting a journey, you congratulate them on succeeding at it! We should be saying “Good luck!” when people get married. Why isn’t that okay? Whenever I say that to people they look at me weird. -- Leon from Dublin, Ohio

Dear Leon:

Well you don’t have to congratulate people on getting married it’s just a nice gesture. Believe it or not, getting married can be a bit of an accomplishment for some people especially same sex couples. In that case you could congratulate them on having equal rights which is a little fucked up that you have to congratulate someone on that, but it’s just a nice thing to say. Congratulations are also in order especially if an ugly person has married someone far above their level. If you see an ugly dude with a super hot wife then you congratulate that man in the same way you would congratulate a fisherman who just caught a big ass swordfish. Just landing certain fish onto your boat is an achievement enough. For many people, that moment is the pinnacle of their marriage. After that, the gutting and cleaning process things tend to get a little messy. That’s the reason you should definitely congratulate people who’ve been married for decades. The fact they haven’t committed a murder/suicide yet is a feat unto itself. So yes that’s far more impressive than simply getting married, but you can still congratulate people regardless because “congratulations” almost means nothing. It’s like saying “God bless you” when someone sneezes. No one really gives a damn. It doesn’t mean anything, you’re just societally obligated to say it when you get your cue.

Yeah that look pretty much sums it up.

Write your question to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and I’ll get to it as soon as I can!