Ask McFartnuggets: “Should I Stop Eating at Subway Because of Jared?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

With all this controversy surrounding Jared from Subway about child porn is it possible that by eating so much Subway he not only lost hundreds of pounds but also became a pedophile in the process? Could this be a serious public health issue? We deserve to know the truth! Is it guacamole? I know it’s the guacamole! This can’t just be a coincidence right? Should I stop eating Subway now before this goes any further? -- Linda from Portland, Oregon

Dear Linda:

You’ve got about the same chance of becoming a rapist from eating Jell-O pudding that you do of becoming a pedophile from eating Subway. I’m not saying it’s 100% impossible, we don’t know all the facts, I don’t want to jump to conclusions. Too many people believe that if they do what someone else did they’ll become just like them. How many obese people started eating Subway because they thought it was a wonderfood that would help them become a skinny pedophile? Did it work for them? Maybe some, but it’s no guarantee. I might take a break from Subway for awhile just because it is like eating a pudding pop now after we’ve learned the truth about Bill Cosby. It’s delicious sure, but something about it feels wrong. Maybe stick to McDonald’s for awhile and try some of their “healthy” options. After all, their spokesman only looks like a pedophile. I’d suggest Burger King too, but I have my suspicions about that smiling King guy, then again, don’t we all? Lord knows what’s hidden under the floorboards of that man’s castle.

KIDS, STAY BACK!

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