Dumbass Slogans: “Clean Enough to Go Commando”

The Cottonelle toilet paper company is currently featuring the slogan “Clean enough to go commando.” By this, they mean after using their toilet paper your asshole will be clean enough to walk around without underpants on without fear of getting shit all over your pants. First of all, that’s pretty gross. I know cleaning shit off anuses is a touchy subject, but we don’t need to go there. The main problem with this slogan is anyone can decide to go commando. The key issue is do you have shitstains all over the inside of your pants after you’ve made that decision? Cottonelle never provides us with any proof that these people in their commercials have shitless pants after walking around without wearing underpants. Their pants could have skidmarks all over the insides and they still technically “went commando.” Merely going commando proves nothing of the efficacy of their bathroom tissue. If you’re going to make the bold statement that your toilet paper is good enough to make the concept of underwear obsolete then you had better back it up with real proof. At least Charmin never makes outrageous statements like that. They like to keep it clean and delight us with cartoon bears wiping their asses. It’s that kind of euphemism I think we all need because if you really want to get down to the nitty gritty of wiping your butthole after a huge dump then you better bring hard facts to support your outrageous claims. I don’t think Cottonelle can and even if they could I’m sure the FCC would have something to say about it. They’d have to show the shitstains you get from going commando after using a competitor and then put that side by side with Cottonelle. The problem is you can’t just show genuine shitstains on TV so they’re screwed either way and that’s why “clean enough to go commando” is pure bullshit.

When you're putting your life on the line there's no time for undergarments.