The Top 5 Worst Times to Have Diarrhea

Okay so there’s probably never a good time to have diarrhea, but there are definitely worse times than others. The problem is you can’t really control diarrhea, by it’s nature it is a chaotic force of nature. However, you can prepare accordingly. For example, you may not want to eat Wendy’s before a certain event. Here are the top 5 worst times to have diarrhea happen to you:

5. On a water slide.

A raging water slide is one of the worst places you can have raging diarrhea. Unfortunately, it’s also one of the easiest places to have it. Let’s say you just had some bad shrimp at the food court, now you’re rocketing down a giant water slide on your asshole. You don’t need to be a mathematician to figure out the end of that equation.

If you're going to shit on a water slide at least break off a solid log so it can flow down like a flume.

4. While sitting on Santa’s lap.

If anything can ruin Christmas, it’s certainly having diarrhea on Santa’s lap. Not only will you be embarrassed, but you will have ruined the holiday for every other kid who was waiting to sit on what they had hoped would be an unshat on lap.

Shitting on Santa is an automatic stocking of coal.

3. On a roller coaster.

If you’re feeling a bit of a stomach cramp before you get on a roller coaster please make sure to sit in the very back of the ride. There’s nothing worse than having a liquid shit attack on the front of a rollercoaster right as it’s about to go into a series of loop de loops. This might even cause others behind you to start vomiting which only compounds the problem. By the time you get off, everyone’s soaked in barf and shit and ready to kill you.

Roller coasters are about exhilaration not excrement.

2. In a subway car.

I think everyone’s nightmare scenario is having to crap diarrhea while in a subway car because there’s no way to get out. You’re trapped there around dozens of other people sometimes standing right next to you, or maybe even pressed up against you. Imagine the discomfort and shame of shitting diarrhea while a stranger’s pelvis is pressed right up against your ass. And then it’s not like you can even just run away like when you normally have diarrhea in public. You’re trapped on that train for minutes til the next stop and that’s assuming there isn’t a delay. That means you’re stuck in a small place with tons of people with your diarrhea stink flooding the car and the only one happy about it will be the hobo who suddenly doesn’t smell so bad all of a sudden. Sure you could go out into the area between the cars, but you’ll probably die out there. Still, that’s usually your only option, RISKING DEATH over diarrhea. That’s just messed up.

Once those doors close you're basically in a mobile prison.

And the number one worst place to get diarrhea is...

1. Court.

When you put your hand on the Bible you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Unfortunately they don’t include the promise to not shit yourself by accident. Not only is this humiliating, but it also calls into question your character during the testimony. Everything you said leading up to you diarrhea-ing on yourself is now suspect. Who has diarrhea on the witness stand? Not even Charles Manson does that!

"Your Honor, I seem to have soiled myself..."