Should It Be Illegal To Text Someone While They’re Driving?

New Jersey is trying to make it illegal to send texts to people while they’re driving. Some people even believe that you should be held liable for a death if you text a driver who gets into a fatal accident. I think it’s sad that this is how inseparable we humans are from our phones these days. Shouldn't the obvious solution to this problem be to simply ignore your phone and any incoming texts while you’re behind the wheel? NO! That’s an absurd notion in today’s world. Much easier to just scour text records pulled from phones in bloody wreckage to determine which sentence caused the crash.

I understand this is a sensitive topic because so many young people have lost their lives texting while driving, but this is a common sense issue. Texting while you’re driving is pretty much like running with a chainsaw, you can’t be shocked when someone dies as a result. The trick is to be more responsible with your phone, car, and/or chainsaw.

Making texting to drivers illegal just doesn’t make sense. The logistics behind enforcing that law would be insane. It would be easier to just devise a digital link up between people’s phones and cars that shuts down texting capabilities while a car is in motion. Instead, it’s all a blame game after the tragedy which doesn't help anyone.

The main question I have with enforcing a ban on texting to drivers is “how the hell is the texter supposed to know someone’s driving?” If I send someone a text that says “Hey did you see Justin Bieber twerking at the VMAs?” to someone who happens to be driving on a freeway at the time and they think “Hey, I’m going 70 miles per hour in a ton in a half of steel, now would be a good time to check my messages!” What if they then read my text and careen off a cliff, is that my fault? My text was a direct catalyst for the accident, but should I really be held liable for that person’s death? I don’t think so. There’s too much gray area within this concept which is why it won’t work.

The simple answer is for drivers to exercise some discipline and not text while driving or even read texts while driving. I think we’d all feel a little better if we knew everyone else on the highway was 100% focused on the road in front of them and not scrolling through Twitter or playing Candy Crush, or whatever the distraction may be. Cars didn’t magically become invincible since the advent of text messaging. Ultimately, the responsibility lies with the driver. To hold someone who texts a driver liable for an accident is like holding Barnes & Noble liable for some idiot who decided to read a book when they crashed their car. Hopefully by the time we have phones implanted into our brains, the cars will be able to drive themselves, otherwise that might be the gradual extinction of the entire human race right there.

Disgusting Classic Sloppy Joe Commercial From 1960's

This is probably the best argument for veganism I've ever come across. Fortunately the government has forced Libby's to stop making this product. Of course Americans weren't as fat back then as they are now, they were constantly vomiting from eating crap like this!

The World's First Fully Functioning Hoverboard Commercial (Racist)

So I found this really old commercial that features hoverboards and the worst part is, it's racist. Listen to the way they say the word "Black" and why are they so concerned with only "Black heel marks"? Why not blue or grey? That's some racist BS right there. And what ever happened to the hoverboards, huh?! WHAT HAPPENED!

Should Roller Coasters Have Weight Limits?

With the recent story of a large woman who was fatally thrown from a Texas roller coaster, the popular discussion is about roller coaster safety and weight restrictions. Could a weight limit have saved the woman’s life? The answer may be yes, but let’s face the facts here. If you’re significantly overweight then your risk of premature death is pretty damn high anyway. If you’re living a life of indulgence then you enjoy things like bacon and theme parks, that’s what America is about. To put a limit on that would be to put a clamp on the very tube which democracy flows from.

Sure we put a height restriction on coasters, but that’s just because dwarven folk experience TOO MUCH fun. If they were able to enjoy roller coasters on top of all that then it would truly be a charmed life. That has to be the only reason there’s a height restriction because as we all know any adult midget has the upper body strength to hold onto the bar and stay safe during even the most extreme coaster ride. There really shouldn’t even be a height restriction, just an age one because we damn sure can’t have babies being flung off the Superman ride all willy nilly.

A weight restriction goes against the very fabric the American flag was woven from. It’s not Americans’ responsibility to be thin, it’s the roller coaster makers’ responsibility to make stronger safety belts. The roller coaster companies have to step into the 21st century and adapt to the times. People on average are heavier and huskier than ever so they’re going to have to take the necessary steps to make coasters safer and keep our plump citizens from flying off their rides. If anything at least put a very thick level of cushion underneath the roller coasters. I mean why isn’t that a thing? Sure it’s expensive and if you fall from a certain height you might just land on your neck and die anyway, but it’s better than concrete, am I right?

Ask McFartnuggets: “I Slept in My Contacts!” and “How to Make Peace with The Lord?”

Dear McFartnuggets: I accidentally slept in my contacts last night and my eyes hurt a lot. Should I go to the doctor or call my optometrist? Help! What should I do? -- Turdboy87@netzero.com

Dear Turdboy: How the hell did you manage to sleep in your contacts?! Even if you somehow managed to split the contact open into two pieces like you’re fileting a pork chop it’s too small for even an ant to fit inside that thing much less FALL ASLEEP! Are you sure you really slept in your contacts or did you fall asleep with your contacts in? Those are two completely different things. If you did manage to do the latter then yes your eyes are most likely horrifically damaged and you should contact an eye doctor immediately, thanks for the question!

Dear McFartnuggets: I’ve been pondering my own mortality a lot lately and I feel the spectre of death looming over my shoulder like an inevitable surprise waiting to pounce on me. I’ve never been a very religious person, but how can I make peace with the lord before I die? I don’t want to get up to Heaven and have it be all awkward, I’m looking for the least awkward situation in Heaven’s bursar’s office or whatever as humanly possible. -- Melanie from Detroit

Dear Melanie: The great thing about the lord is he/she is the lord. That means its a magical being that can do pretty much anything and everything and last time I checked, mindreading and understanding are things. Therefore, we have to assume that the lord will read your mind and know that you want to make peace with it and honestly that should be enough to understand. If I can understand your willingness to make peace with the lord, surely that lord can. It’s not rocket science! And as far as keeping your intro to Heaven as non-awkward as possible just remember to cover up your genitals with your ghost hands and try really really hard not to fart even though as we all know in Heaven farts smell like potpourri.

Thanks for the questions and keep on sending them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Enough of The Anthony Weiner Puns Already!

Every photo of Weiner is a dick pic.

If you’re like me then you’re a wee bit tired of all the Anthony Weiner penis puns that have been presented in the media. We get it, his name is Weiner. What are we? 25-years-old? It’s not even like Weiner is an odd name, it’s fairly common. If this man’s surname was Cockhammer or something, then I’d see the need to highlight that, but even still, it’s just a name. So can we please cut the crap and try to have Weiner come out of our mouths without smiling?

Anywho, the 2013 New York mayoral campaign is beginning to heat up and things are getting messy. Anthony Weiner started off strong, rose quickly, and came hard, but now it appears he may have blown his wad a little too soon in the race. New revelations about past discretions have put a stranglehold on the sloppy Weiner. The main trouble for Weiner is he’s facing very stiff competition for the role of New York Mayor. If he wants to win he had better go hard or go home because if he blows it again the voters won’t hesitate to give him the shaft.

A second Weiner sex scandal was a huge blow to the stomach and has made the electorate feel like they’re being jerked around. The scandal put Weiner in a sticky situation and left a huge stain on his campaign, but despite that, according to recent poll numbers Weiner is appealing to Black voters in a big way. Unfortunately he’s having very small influence on the Asian community who unsurprisingly supports candidate city comptroller John Liu. 

Why does Anthony Weiner even want to be in politics? He’s sent enough penile photography to suggest that his main focus in life isn’t public office. He and his wife should just leave politics and start up a new pecker photo dating website called Weinerbook or MyWeiner or WeinerdIn. All I’m saying is Weiner might as well face it, he’s aDICKted to love.

The Largest Roll of Toilet Paper Ever Created By Man

Some people argue that the purpose of humanity's existence on this planet is to test our limits and the boundaries of invention and science. The people at Charmin took that to heart and developed the largest roll of culopaper ever seen by man. No one knows if anyone ever got to wipe their ass with it, if not I'm sure it's in a museum somewhere and if they did then I'm sure it clogged more than a few toilets.