Should You Leave Out Milk & Cookies For Santa?

Let this man in your house.

It's a famous tradition to leave out cookies and milk for Santa, but let's face it, Santa and/or your parents are overweight enough without forcing them to eat even more over the holidays. What I like to do is leave out healthier choices like celery juice and horse radish, then if Santa doesn't like it he can always just leave it. As long as he brings presents that's proof enough he was there, right? How insecure can you be? Santa doesn't do this for the cookies, he does it out of the goodness of his heart. And milk? He's riding with nine reindeer for Christ sake! That's like 87 titties or something. He can just suck whatever milk he wants from those teats. What do you think he's BEEN doing this whole time?! That's 100% pure highest quality magic reindeer tit milk! Why would he dare stain his lips with your pitiful 2% skim cow piss? Give me a break.

Offering Santa cookies for the joy he brings you is like offering a hooker a slinky for a blow job. The payment doesn't really add up, it's more insulting than anything. The bottom line is Santa needs to lose weight. Don't be an enabler by making him feel obligated to take a bite of your damn cookies. And what if your cookies are fucked up? What if you used bad eggs or something? Do you want to risk screwing up Santa's bowels on the most important night of his year? Do the right thing and eat the cookies and milk yourself or better yet leave them outside your front door for some homeless people. That would be TRUE Christmas spirit!