Ask McFartnuggets: “Should My Dog Be Getting Married?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

My dog Ignacio has really hit it off with another dog, Samantha that goes to our dog park. Me and the other dog’s owner have been arranging dates for them and things are starting to get pretty serious. They make out immediately just upon meeting and then there’s a lot of assplay and buttsniffing. Samantha’s owners say she’s going to be in heat soon and they’re Christian so they are dead set against premarital coitus of all types. They’re really pushing for a dog marriage and I sense Ignacio is getting cold feet about the whole situation. I mean yeah he loves Samantha, but marriage is a big step! He’s only about 28 in dog years. Is it too early for him to be settling down? I didn’t want to mention this to Samantha or her owners, but Iggy loves sniffing other dog’s asses too. Is that cheating? I don’t even know. How would he propose?  I need your advice! -- Alfred from Beaumont, Texas

Dear Alfred:

Well “Alfred” if that’s your real name and not “Ignacio”... I would say you should get married. Who cares? It’s not like it means anything. If there are irreconcilable differences like Samantha finding out about all the ass sniffing going on then you can just get a dog divorce. It can be a bit of a pain in the ass to find a dog divorce lawyer, but there’s really no stigma attached to that in today’s age. On the bright side, most dog marriages tend to last and that’s not just because dogs only live for like 10 years. Fact is, dogs are really great at communicating which is key in a marriage. When things get ruff that’s when it helps to bark it out and dogs are never reluctant to do that. There’s very little ego. As far as how to propose, a simple collar with a diamond on it should do fine. It can be a fake diamond too, dogs can’t really tell the difference. Good luck! I’ve been to a dog wedding or two and there’s nothing like being the best man to man’s best friend.

Dog weddings don't seem so crazy when you realize more than 99% of all cat weddings end in divorce.

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