Dumbass Sayings: “If You Told Me Ten Years Ago…”

People love to go on and on about their lives and say shit like “If you told me ten years ago I’d be outside the back of a 7/11 giving rusty hand jobs for scratch-off lottery tickets, I would have called you a nut!” I’m like, “I’ll give you a nut!” But seriously, I get tired of people saying this to me. Of course if a time traveler or someone with mutant precognitive powers showed up and started making very specific statements about what’s going to happen ten years from your present you would think they were crazy. You really don’t even have to say all the middle part of that sentence. Just say “If you told me something ten years ago about today, I’d think you were nuts.” If someone ten years ago told me I would be sitting here masturbating I would still think they were crazy. Who are you? Why are you talking about me masturbating in ten years? What are you insane? Meanwhile that’s exactly what’s happening and you know what? I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I'd probably be more concerned with how you traveled back in the first place. Was it through a wormhole or cosmic strings?