The Top 5 Things You Should Never Do While Driving

Distracted driving is one of the major dangers in life and it’s everyone’s responsibility to make sure they’re always focused on operating their vehicle. I know sometimes life gets the in the way and it may be okay to send an occasional text or get a quick hand job, but there are certain activities you should just NEVER do when you’re driving. Here are the top 5 things to never do behind the wheel of a moving car:

5. Change your clothes

We’ve all been running late to an appointment and been wearing the wrong clothes before. Sometimes you might even just get into the car naked in the morning and dress yourself at the red lights. This is a great way to save time in the mornings, but you can’t be dressing yourself once the light turns green. Put the underpants down and just focus on driving.

In a perfect world other people dress you, so simply dressing yourself alone even when you're not driving is a hazard.

4. Eat BBQ

I say BBQ because the sauce can make your hands very slippery and if you have to swerve out of nowhere you’re going to need a good grip. You usually need two hands to eat ribs so that leads to steering with your elbows. The ribs are then obstructing your view of the road and the delicious taste is a further distraction. If you’re going to use BBQ sauce make sure it’s high in sugar so the sauce creates more of sticky effect.

Jack Daniels BBQ sauce can be almost as dangerous as actual Jack Daniels.

3. Masturbate

Speaking of sticky effects, I mentioned hand jobs earlier and hey if you’re lucky enough to pick up a hitchhiker who wants to do that for you then you probably shouldn’t stop them. Masturbating on the other hand is very dangerous because it requires at least one hand, two if you’re feeling adventurous. Even if you’re able to finish and come back to your senses you’ve got a stain on the windshield.

The only fists you should be making while driving are around the steering wheel with both hands.

2. A hooker

One thing you never want to do when you’re driving is a hooker. You never know when a cop car will pass by. If that happens they’ll get you for distracted driving as well as banging a prostitute. Pull over or find a spot under a bridge like a responsible adult.

It can be difficult to resist the hookers' siren call, but if you don't you'll be hearing other sirens soon enough. Police sirens.

And the number one thing you never want to do when you’re driving is…

1. Heroin

Heroin really combines the dangers of everything on this list. Both your arms are occupied, it’s a very distracting sensation, and you’ll be arrested if the cops see you. It’s also number one of the list because it’s the one thing you should probably not even be doing outside of a car. It’s just bad news all around.

Never do black tar heroin while you're driving on black asphalt.