Can you guess what's going to happen here?

Did you guess right? If you did, that's pretty good. You should consider becoming English (assuming you aren't already, which is incredibly possible given your psychic abilities) and getting a crime show on CBS or FOX. If you didn't, then don't bother getting upset about it because it was a tough one.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is a robot sending me messages from the future?

Here's the second tape I've found in my backyard. They seem suspicious. I don't know who would have the audacity to trick me like this, so I'm beginning to suspect this might be real.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Why do we need to find water on The Moon?

NASA recently spent 79 million dollars (which is almost enough to hire a professional sports star for 5 years) to crash a satellite into our Moon. At the moment they say "it worked", but really, how could it have not? How incompetent do you have to be to not be able to crash something into the Moon with the proper equipment? That would have been embarrassing.

Now the question is, did they find water? But the real question is, why do they need water? Well, it would be very expensive to transport water to the Moon and they would feel awful dumb if they found out there was water there already. But let's delve into that some more. Who is going to be on the Moon and need large amounts of water? I sure as hell won't. Are they doing this as a first step to colonize the Moon? Or are they doing this just for future astronaut missions?

If it's just for astronauts, screw them, they can take along a thermos. But if it's for a grander operation, then maybe it's time for us to slow down a little. Even if they do find water, it'll be Moon water, yuck! Who wants a glass of that? Probably has moon creature herpes in it. And what if there's only some and not enough to be useful? We're taking the Moon for granted here, if it was pristine, would we be smashing things into it? No. But since it's all riddled with craters we figure we can keep smashing it. It's like treated a seasoned prostitute rough just for the sake of it, cut the ho some slack!

The end result of all this is meaningless, the real issue here is that they took a 79 million dollar gamble on some shit that we don't really need at the moment. And even if we ignore the current situation of the nation, there's another thing to ponder, how much water does 79 million dollars buy? Well right now around 79 million bottles. If water becomes super valuable in the future that might change, but how far ahead are we talking about here? I don't mind keeping an ear and eye out for alien radio transmissions and large objects coming at us, but this kind of stuff is ridiculous. At the very least you're going to piss off the Man on the Moon, and he's been relatively peaceful up until now.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Can married life make you hallucinate?

According to the Newport people, if a man gets bored enough with his life, he will begin to see strange apparitions that can sometimes create real objects. But beware, some of these creations can cause cancer. Then again, it's better than having them hand him crack.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is Michael Moore a hypocrite?

Sometimes I think Michael Moore goes too far to prove a point, like when he brought the wheelchaired kid from Columbine into Wal Mart to return the bullets in his body, but he usually has the right message. The problem now is how he's presenting the message. He's selling a film about how capitalism is bad. How hypocritical do you have to be before everyone stops paying attention to you? He could show the movie to everyone for free, but that would be insane from a business standpoint.

So here's a guy using the system to his benefit and at the same time attacking it for the sake of his public image and hoping that it will force some superhero into motion that can defeat a system where even the people against it are forced to buy in. Sure he has assigned some free screenings at homeless shelters, but what can homeless people do about changing the financial culture of America? They can vote, but do we really expect someone without a home to take even an hour to vote and perhaps make a 0.0000000001% difference in anything, when they could be using that time to pick up some change off the ground or get something in their stomach?

And the last bit of hypocrisy is a minor detail, but Michael Moore is clearly obese. An obese person condemning greed, gluttony, and the American way is the hypocritical cherry on top. The "Super Size Me" guy could have saved everyone a lot of time and just showed a picture of Michael Moore. But we're all a product of the system and in this system if you're being fed, you're happy and if you're not, you're angry. You can't be both and still be taken seriously. You can't be poor and rage against the machine. There are tanks and fighter jets now, this isn't 18th century France. You have to be rich to make a difference, but why the hell would anyone wealthy and comfortable self destruct to save poor people? If that ever happens, the subsequent shock might be enough to change things, but it won't happen so fugeddaboutit.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Should Young Children Have Cell Phones?

This was the subject of the latest episode of "The Simpsons" and the Associated Press posted a video about it too, so I figure it's a sizzling topic of debate right now. I think most kids should wait to have a cell phone until the age they're allowed to drive, ironically... But really, anything before that is key developmental time and they're already going to deal with arthritis from typing everyday instead of using the archaic art of hand printing. Not to mention their brains aren't fully developed and could be affected by radiation from the phone, but that's another story.

The problem is, kids whine and parents cave in, it only has to happen one time before every kid points to the other and the spread of uniformity begins. It seems that as soon as a child can speak coherently, they've got a phone in their hands. Babies love phones because they see their parents on the phone all the time, back in the day, babies loved cigarettes and "The Price is Right," which is more of a step to the side rather than forward, but what can you do?

The only way to stop kids from having phones is to keep them from speaking coherently. When considering that, maybe the American educational system isn't doing that bad of a job after all. Just think if all American kids were literate at age two and on cell phones, is that the kind of world you really want to live in? Maybe everything happens for a reason.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Schizophrenic Old Woman Making Potato Chips?

This is not something you get to see everyday. Whenever someone asks me if I want to watch a schizophrenic elderly woman making potato chips, I always say yes.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What can YOU do to stop Swine Flu?

First of all, don't do what this dumbass in the picture is doing. Look at that sneeze mist, every bead of moisture is teeming with potentially death bringing bacteria. We need to start looking at things clinically, sneezing in public these days is like spritzing a bottle of Anthrax in the air. If someone was doing that, I'm pretty sure they'd be tackled and put in jail. Sneezing still remains legal, but I am working on it.

If you're in a crowded area, hold your sneeze! Your lungs will not burst, that's a myth! You might get an erratic heartbeat and maybe go into cardiac arrest, but hey, better you than the room full of people! At least hold it until you can find a bag to sneeze into, then properly dispose of the bag, do not rub it on an enemy. You might make your enemy sick, but who knows who that enemy will go on to infect, perhaps one of your loved ones, and poetically speaking that's exactly what would happen, think McFly, THINK!

You need to start putting aside cultural and social rules for the sake of survival. Normally if you see a child sneezing into their hands or coughing into the air, you might just ignore it, but the time for ignorance is over. You cannot be afraid to tell that little phucker to cover his mouth or sneeze into a brown paper bag. Would you sacrifice millions of lives just to protect the feelings of one inconsiderate random child? You have to embarrass these people, we all have to. The person coughing straight ahead must be made into a social pariah and fast. If someone you know has been seen not covering a cough, you have to cut them off completely until they are ready to reform their behaviors.

If you see anyone with these symptoms in the act of coughing or sneezing, you must make a citizen's arrest and throw them into the nearest locker or garbage bin (if garbage bin, seal the top off with plastic wrap until thrashing stops).

A lot of people want to ignore safety because of how the media is overindulging themselves with the H1N1 coverage, but we can't afford even a few Asians in the armor here. Everyone has to be aware of the dangers and that doesn't mean we all need the vaccine. If all of us practice proper coughing and sneezing etiquette then there is no need for the vaccine or even Purell! Purell is very overrated and slowly eating your immune system alive. If you remember to not get mucus on your hands we should all make it through this. That is my new slogan for everyone to remember "Keep the mucus off your hands!"

-Binkie McFartnuggets