I never used to believe in The 2012 (which is much easier than saying "The 2012 Mayan Apocalypse Prediction), but lately it seems like the world is really crumbling all around us and the apocalypse might come a little earlier than usual.
When I learned about the Eggo waffle shortage that would soon cripple the nation, I was shocked. Do they really expect me to buy any other brand of frozen waffle like this is the Dark Ages?
I thought that was awful enough, but now I learn that H1N1 has claimed its first feline victim! So now the H1N1 is attacking cats! After hearing that, I curled up into a ball to start shivering and reciting nursery rhymes, but THEN... They tell me that Oprah is ending her show.
What in the FUCK is going on here?! Is this really the end? These would seem like unfortunate coincidences, but we all know Oprah is less of a person and more of a natural force. These are messages being sent to us by the Earth and they're screaming "WATCH OUT!" What could go wrong next? Am I going to find out that they're discontinuing Tootsie Rolls or that Barbara Walters is leaving "The View"?! Because if I do, that's it, I'm building a bunker 40 feet into the ground and hoping to god that's deep enough.