8.31.2009

Why is NASA making fake UFO's?



They seem to be planning something big, I'm not sure exactly what it is yet, but according to this video, it's shaping up to be something we will never forget!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

8.29.2009

Is the Cold War really over?



If indeed the Cold War conflict is over, we have these heroic astronauts to thank for it all. I think it's about time they get some of the respect they deserve, unless the Cold War isn't over, then I suppose this meeting was insignificant.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

8.28.2009

Should a 13-year-old be allowed to sail around the world alone?

Normally I wouldn't think so, but according to her father, this Laura Dekker character can strip an engine while blindfolded. As we all know, that is the only prerequisite to sailing around the world. Despite this, magical Dutch judges have decided that she is unfit to travel around the world alone on a sailboat.

But wait, the story gets slightly interesting! A day before these Dutch judges made their decision, 17-year-old British kid Mike Perham became the youngest person to sail around the world. Let's say you're Mike Perham. You're a 17-year-old kid and for whatever reason, you decided to sail around the world, presumably for the thrill, the acheivement, the notoriety... Then this little bitch shows up out nowhere to completely overshadow you in every single facet of sailing achievement possible. Would you take that sitting down? Of course his family bribed some Dutch judges to keep this girl off the water.

Yeah, the sailing record is rigged! I said it! It's wrong, but let's hope it's the right decision even though we'll never really know. The only way to know is to let her go and have something terrible happen, but no one wants that! The good thing is, she's got a few years left. She can wait til she's 16 and more prepared for her transworld sailing responsibilities. In the meantime, another very mature 13-year-old might get the green light to break Perham's record, but that's when you have to stop and ask yourself, "Is what I'm doing here really worth the effort at all?"

One last thought, if you don't want children sailing across the world... STOP KEEPING A WORLD'S YOUNGEST SAILOR RECORD! You morons are inviting your own recreational problems!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

8.26.2009

Is NASA working on an anti-alien gun?



It's all described here, but something tells me this isn't the whole story. I wish I could have gotten my hands on more of the tape, but this was the only bit I could find before security showed up.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What is the real purpose of town hall meetings?



Sure you get to discuss the issues and try your best to affect change with real politicians, but I think it's mostly societal. We want to try and stay linked to a simple way of life that we're losing quickly in the 21st century. At a town hall, people get to regress back into childhood and pretend like they're in a middle school auditorium being rowdy. They even have a principal up on the stage yelling back at them to shut up or face detention. It is depressing to see people like this, but then again this is America, the only thing that isn't depressing is porn and hamburgers. And yes that is just one thing to me.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

8.25.2009

Would America have elected a President Blythe?

Apparently I've been sleeping in the cozy armpit of a cyclops for my whole life and the foul odors have had a psychotropic effect on me, but today I found out that Bill Clinton was born William Jefferson Blythe. Is this a well known fact? I feel like an alien right now. Is this one of those things that people assume everyone knows so no one ever talks about it? Like, yeah of course Elton John is gay, what the hell, you haven't gone to his Wikipedia page yet?

I've been a fan of 90's stand up comedy too, I can't remember any comic mentioning this. Did they? Of course it's not like Clinton changed his name specifically for his campaign, otherwise I'm sure President Obama would have considered a name change just to ensure victory... I wonder what names he would have considered.

I do remember a Dennis Miller joke in which he stated Clinton knew he wanted to be president when he was a teenager, then I read today that Clinton took his stepfather's name formally when he was fourteen, so maybe he did change his name to become president... That's kind of creepy eh? Then again, who am I to judge? He's a smart guy who knew what he was doing. Blythe vs Bush would have been a tough call. You already have a president with a last name starting with B, why go for an unproven commodity? But wait, C? Now that's the progression we need! Dole tried to cash in on that concept, but an initial can only take you so far.

Of course we all know now that people don't vote for presidents based entirely on name or race, but a bad name can disqualify you. Barack Obama is a damn cool name, had his name been Shifty Snatchfister, only God knows what would have happened to him.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

8.23.2009

8.20.2009

How bad is shooting yourself by accident, really?

Football player Plaxico Burress is getting two years in jail for accidentally shooting himself in the leg at a night club last year. Fellow receiver Donte Stallworth killed a guy while driving under the influence and was sentenced to thirty days in jail. Have we all gone mad here? I understand that Burress was carrying a loaded illegal gun tucked in his sweatpants at a nightclub, but the bottom line is that he only shot himself! Stallworth was driving wasted and actually killed someone...

The sentences are based on legal nonsense and gun laws with the result being two incredibly unequal punishments for unequal crimes. Societally, people have a problem with Burress because he could have killed someone. Since when are the possibilities of our actions so bad?

There's the possibility that when I walk down an escalator at the mall, I'll slip, tumble forward, smash into an elderly woman, and break my leg. Well I did fall on the escalator and break my leg, but I didn't hit the old woman! Is that a punishable crime? The possibilities were there, but it didn't happen, lesson learned, or at least that's what the people at the mall think. Now let's say tomorrow the same thing happens, but I do hit the old lady and kill her, shouldn't I suffer a more severe punishment than the nothing from yesterday?

Driving around with a 0.12 blood alcohol level is just as irresponsible as going into a nightclub with a loaded gun and even less excusable. In a crazy nightclub, you might have to pop a cap in someone if they get uppity. People at certain clubs know it's not a Girl Scout meeting in there, you take your risks to get crunk. You also take your risks while crossing the road, but you shouldn't expect someone to be flying by drunk. On the other hand, you can damn well expect someone in a nightclub to be packing heat!

I'm not disputing the belief that Burress deserves his time in jail, I just think it's more likely to kill someone by driving drunk than to have a gun tucked in your pants. That's all there is to it, and by continuing to punish the former with incredible lenience, you're not helping anyone. Accidents will happen, if you're going to punish them, it should be based on the actual damage done.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

8.19.2009

The creepiest doll commercial of all-time?



The Ideal Doll people really went beyond the call of creepy here. Fortunately the person responsible for this campaign was fired and the person responsible for the doll making was sent to jail. I suppose in a way it is the fault of the children for constantly requesting more realistic dolls, but let's not delve into that.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

8.17.2009

Overly stereotypical pickle commercial?



We're all familiar with the horrible stereotype that women over the age of eighty love pickles, but this commercial from the 60's is really indicative of a more ignorant time in society. The way they exploit the stereotype is enough to make an octogenarian gag on her bumpy beloved cucumber treat.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Are Deer The Epitome of Evil?

In Hopkinton, Rhode Island, a deer murdered a volunteer firefighter while he was riding around on his scooter (the firefighter was on the scooter, not the deer). Never mind the idea of a grown man riding a scooter, it's the 21st century, get used to it! This deer came out of nowhere onto the road and knocked this wholesome man so hard off his faggy transportation device he died. In case you were wondering, the deer lived, whether or not it was heard laughing at the scene of the crime as it trotted off into the woods to no consequence is still in question.

Another evil deer story comes from Bloomington, Indiana where a female deer trampled a family dog in its own backyard. Deer defenders say that the deer was merely trying to protect her newborn "fawn." The dog was an AFFENPINSCHER! In case you've never seen one of these fearsome deathbeasts, take a look, though I will warn you, it is disturbing...


The worst thing is, these are all very recent events. People want to portray deer as these peaceful, nurturing creatures of the wild... People are dumb. When will you open your doe-awed eyes and see the truth? Deer are not only evil, but they are out to get you and your miniature dog. It might not be today, it might not be next week, but there is probably a better chance of you being murdered by a deer than of you ever being able to successfully hug an adult deer.

And another thing! Deer must be pretty dumb to kill a firefighter. When its majestic land of trees and sap comes crashing down in a fiery ash, maybe that sack of shit will think about what a big mistake he made and want to go back and change it so bad he tries to devise a time machine, but can't build one because its hooves are terribly nonprehensile. Bastard deer.

8.15.2009

Can my Anti-Seal Clubbing PSA change anything?



If there's anything the people know, it's that I love animals, in a perfectly appropriate manner. They are like the unspoken minority out there that constantly gets stepped on, except they're animals. Seal clubbing is a big issue out there and I'm just doing MY part to help stop the madness.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

PETA Releasing McDonald's Themed "UnHappy Meals"

At a McDonald's in Albany, NY, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals handed out "Unhappy meals" to hungry kids. The meals consisted of cardboard depictions of a psychotic knife-wielding Ronald McDonald and were covered in blood (hopefully fake). Many people question this kind of anti-marketing, but let's think about the positives...

Okay there are none. This will either make sensitive obese kids even more guilty about what they're addicted to and drive them to have a mental breakdown in their teens or force other kids to really embrace animal cruelty as something meaningful and delicious. Either way, not a good move PETA, not a good move! You want to help things out? Fill a box full of arugula and asparagus for the kids, I'm sure that'll work...

8.13.2009

Could a commerical like this be aired today?



If a commercial like this came out today I'd imagine these children would immediately be labeled as "flaming fairies" or "skipping sausage scuba divers" or something of that nature. Well, it was a different time, when things didn't have to take meaning! When you could slap your best friend while riding a pony and no one would say a damn thing! A better time, when sexual social laws didn't have to apply to children, by God, what have we done?

-Binkie McFartnuggets

8.12.2009

Are Muslim punk rockers breaking stereotypes?

CNN has been reporting a lot about Muslim punk rock bands springing up around North America. The whole idea is that they have a voice and are breaking stereotypes. I think that's great, but the amazing part of the story is that these bands didn't just spring up on their own. They were inspired by a 2003 novel called "Taqwacore."

Does it matter that this movement didn't come organically from the musicians? That seems odd. There's nothing new about musicians being influenced by authors, but these were musicians molded entirely by the author Michael Muhammad Knight, who is a Muslim-American. This guy pushed the bands into existence! CNN is burying the lede here! It's not about breaking stereotypes, it's about an author being able to make his dream occur by merely writing about it! Like a magic typewriter!

What if I wrote a novel about Asian kids getting involved in an underground Swing music scene and that inspired some Asians to get involved in lounge singing in order to break stereotypes? Would that really break stereotypes? Or would it be seen as phony? I'm not sure, but probably the latter. It's just that Muslim culture is so poignant, the fact that these bands exist is good enough to shock people into thinking twice about what a Muslim-American is. All this is kind of insulting to me, like I'm supposed to be shocked to see a Muslim-Ameican singing rock music... Pardon me if I don't shit my pants in ethnocentric awe. The guy wrote about something that didn't exist, then it happened! That is INSANE!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Will YouTube commercials be effective?

It's no news to anyone that YouTube loses Google's money hand over fist, so I shouldn't be shocked that they've started showing ads before nearly every video I watch. It's not a huge deal for me since I'm only really there to leave a ridiculous comment based on the subject of the video and move on. The fact of the matter is I don't even watch the ad, I just pause the damn thing, write my comment and leave. Still, I do end up experiencing some of the commercial and it has very little effect on me. How many times do I have to see a Pantene Pro V commercial before I decide enough is enough with my split ends? Unfortunately for these shampoo cretins, I only end up reaching something that looks like this screen before I'm out of there for good. I just pray they don't take away our "right" to pause the ads... If they do, by God that will be horrifying.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

8.10.2009

The Yellow Ranger is Dead?!

I wanted to take a break for a bit to discuss the death of Thuy Trang aka Trini Kwan, the first Yellow Ranger from the "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" TV series. Did you know she died? I wasn't alerted about this at all. Apparently she died nearly a decade ago on September 3rd 2001. Of course the events of September 11th of that year must have overshadowed her death, but that's no excuse to avoid mentioning it at all!

The creepy part is that Trang died in a car accident and had been falsely reported dead in another car accident ten years prior to her death. It was her in the car ten years earlier though, it's not like the cops saw a dead Asian girl in a car and thought it was the Yellow Ranger. But there are loads of other stereotypes involved with this story that I won't go into because that's the kind of guy I am! If you're reading this, and I know you are, continue resting in peace Thuy Trang! (After you finish reading this of course.) Well, you can rest and read at the same time, it's not that big of a deal right? Unless it is, eh, do whatever you want, just keep it real!

The strange thing about her memorial service was that the Pink and Blue rangers were the only rangers to show up. Isn't that weird? Because after watching the show and hearing that only two rangers showed up, you would probably guess it was the Pink and Blue rangers, the young gymnast and the dork. The others were too cool to travel all the way to Thailand for some pre-9/11 funeral. Shame on them!

8.05.2009

Outdated Classic Commercials! Part Two?



I don't remember much about the times surrounding this commercial, but I do know the company Macleans took a great hit in the public relations department. The landmark case of Rowe and Wayne v. Macleans set a precedent for the use of artificial snow in television commercials and changed forever the way actors are warned on the set before improvising.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

8.04.2009

What were the Quaker Oats people thinking?



This is Part One of the Binkie McFartnuggets' Mansion of Mania presentation of the world's most painfully outdated television commercials ever created. There may be some spots you've already seen, but there will be newer ones coming that I may only post here on this blog! If that doesn't make your nipples freeze, then fine, I didn't want that to happen anyway...

-Binkie McFartnuggets

8.03.2009

Are you happy with today's technology?

When you consider the fact that in the early 90's we thought we'd be walking on Mars by now, our technology is pretty depressing. But! I am now happy to announce one of the biggest strides of technology in the past decade... This picture to the right, is a screen from an Associated Press news story about that Seattle bank teller who got fired for defending his bank blah blah, but what's notable is, they show a picture of a Blackberry to depict a phone!

What does that symbolize? Apparently I've underestimated technology and we're really starting the move toward jetpacks and jerking around on Mars. Or, this is just some odd advertising agreement between the Associated Press and the Blackberry folks.

I have a difficult time dealing with this image though. It just seems out of place. I expect to see a generic, tan colored 70's phone with the curly cord coming out of the bottom. The Blackberry here is so damn detailed you can even see the trackball! This is the first time I've noticed a Blackberry shown like this, is it the first time you have? Did they do this because that reported conversation occurred on a Blackberry and they wanted to be specific? That type of specificity is really unnecessary to me, but maybe I'm just losing touch. I think I need to get a Blackberry!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

8.02.2009

Can blue food help your grandma's spine?

There's a new study from the URMC that suggests the blue food dye known as "Brilliant Blue FCF" can aid spinal cord injuries. They learned after snapping a lab mouse in half and injecting it with blue dye that the dye safely rejects the releasing of a chemical called Adenosine-5'-triphosphate. With the ATP blocked off, less damage is done to healthy cells around a spinal wound. One possible human side effect of this remedy would be the dye turning your skin a bright blue akin to Violet from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" and we all know what happened to that stubborn gum-chewing bitch.

If by some chance you already blew a smurf in the time between reading the title of this post and this current sentence, let me know if it worked. Of course you have to ingest the blueness, if you didn't, you may still have your dignity, but will not gain any spinal benefits. Track down that smurf and try again in the name of science!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

8.01.2009

"G-Force" movie leading to spike in guinea pig sales?

Guinea pigs are flying off the shelves these days as children and mentally handicapped adults send "G-Force" to the top of the box office. There aren't any firm statistics at this point, but the demand for Cavia porcellus is through the roof.

I don't necessarily see this as a good thing though. I can only imagine how many guinea pigs will be placed in garbage disposals all around America once kids realize that their new pet can't speak English or breakdance.

No word yet on how the film is affecting sales of guinea pig in Peru. Perhaps it might change the way they treat guinea pigs, but with their succulent flavors, that's like a movie about sentient baby back ribs discouraging barbecues in America.

-Binkie McFartnuggets