Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Keep People From Hearing Me Take A Crap?”

To poo silently you
must learn the ways
of the ninja.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I was having dinner at my in-laws’ house last week when I had to get up to use the bathroom. Their bathroom was sort of close to the dining room so as I was crapping I could hear them laughing. The sound of my poops plopping in the water was loud enough for them to hear. When I came out of the bathroom no one talked to me for the rest of the night. How can I make sure this never happens again? -- Douglas from Norfolk, Virginia

Dear Douglas:

Whenever you’re at someone’s house and they don’t have the noisemaker switch to block out shitting sounds you’re going to have to get a little creative. If you’re in a desperate situation where you can’t have anyone hear your shit plopping you’re going to have to take a dump in the bathtub. I know it sounds counter intuitive and disgusting, but if you really must not be heard then this is the the best way to achieve that outcome. When the feces hits the bathtub you won’t hear a thing. Of course once you’ve crapped in the tub the hard part begins. You’re going to have to scoop the dookie out with your hands (preferably with gloves on) and lay it gently into the toilet bowl. This will require you to lower the poo in your hands below the water level and then jostle it off the gloves. Get as much as you can and then flush. Then turn on the shower and wash as much of the leftover crap down the tub drain. Wet your hair under the shower too (I’ll explain why this is important later). Use cleaning products and Lysol spray with toilet paper to get rid of all traces and walk out like nothing ever happened. They’ll probably ask why the shower was running. Just say you needed to wash your hair and if you wet your head like I told you everything should work just fine. Just don’t make a habit of this. Crap before you go to fancy dinner parties. You do this too much and you’ll risk clogging someone’s bathtub with shit and that’s going to be worse than if you just shat loudly to begin with.

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How To Keep From Shitting Your Pants

Sometimes nature calls when you're trapped in a bus or train with no bathroom or when you're standing on line at the post office. In most cases the only option is to drop a number two in your trousers, but no one likes to do that. People tend to think the only other option is to pull your pants down and squat in public, but there is one other way to deal with this issue. Carry a large black garbage bag and lots of paper towels with you in your pocket or purse, then when the time comes:

1). Step into the bag.

2). Under the cover of the bag pull your pants off so that you are effectively wearing the bag as pants. Place the pants outside of the bag or pin them in front of you.

3). Try to squat without breaking the bag. This can be a tricky step if you're using a cheap bag. It's best to go with high quality in this case. Glad Forceflex is my bag of choice.

4). Once squatted in the bag with your pants laying outside of the bag, take a dump. It will likely get on your feet and this might be uncomfortable, but it's way less uncomfortable than launching a brown scud missile in your pants.

5). Once you're done, take the paper towels I mentioned earlier and wipe your feet and ass with them, IN THAT ORDER. Then maneuver your pants back on while trying not to step in the shit. This is a tricky step, it may just be easier to step out of the bag naked to put your pants on. You might ask "Well why not just shit naked in the first place?" Well because the act of shitting can take several minutes and in that time you are incredibly vulnerable. If you can create a diversion or time it just right you can jump out of the bag naked and pop your pants back on before anyone on line for the roller coaster notices.

And that's it! Never shit your pants ever again. Sure you could waste money on an adult diaper, but you'd have to be wearing one of those every day just in case and that's like living in fear from a terrorist attack, it's no way to live. Plus buying adult diapers is flat out embarrassing. Just shit in a trash bag, it's a lot easier, trust me. So use my tried and true method and save money on adult diapers and pants.