Dumbass Sayings: “Ashes To Ashes and Dust To Dust”

So THAT'S why the
ocean is so salty!

When people die it’s a social ritual to stand over them saying “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.” It’s supposed to signify the eternal circle of life how we begin as ash and end up ash, but I’m not sure that actually makes sense. People don’t start as ash we start as sperm technically. I mean how far down the line do you want to get? I think even viewing people as sperm is weird, so to go all the way back to ash is a little crazy. The saying should be “Semen to Corpse” not “Ashes to ashes.” And if “Ashes to ashes” is supposed to represent a circle of life you have to ask the question “Where did the first ashes come from?” “Ash” is burned material so what was ash before it was ash? What fire turned it into ash? These are very confusing and puzzling questions that should not have to be asked when you encounter a dead body in the woods. As far as the “Dust to dust” part goes that doesn’t make much sense either. I think people mean “Dirt.” When you dig into the ground you don’t dig into “Dust” unless you’re in the home of a hoarder. Just say “Semen to corpse. Dirt to dirt.”

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Tweet ‘RIP’ After Someone Dies?”

RIP Sir Lancelot #NoMoreDogTreats

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Why is it such a popular trend these days to tweet out “Rest in peace” to celebrities who die? Even if dead people could read Twitter, they probably weren’t even following you to begin with so when they scroll through their timeline they’re only going to see tweets from people they were following and maybe the occasional retweet, but what are the odds you get retweeted into their TL? Let’s face it, the odds of a dead celebrity seeing your RIP tweet are basically zero so why do people do it? Plus why even tell someone rest in peace? Don’t you think they know to do that? What’s a dead person supposed to say to that? “Oh thanks! I was going to turn and toss in purgatory until you reminded me I could just rest peacefully! Thanks for that command! How about a please rest in peace?” -- Angelique from Baltimore, Maryland

Dear Angelique:

It’s just people’s way of coping with the loss of a celebrity they enjoyed. Who knows, maybe a member of that dead celebrity’s family will see the tweet and it will let them know their relative will be very missed. I mean they probably knew that already, but it couldn’t hurt to throw some extra support out there. And plus we all know when you die you get to read every tweet about your passing. It’s on your special Heaven phone. You get a special app that lets you read every tweet with your name in it and the people who get the most favs and retweets get better seating in paradise. So yes, people’s RIP tweets do make a difference.

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