Top Top Five Places to Avoid So You Don't Get Ebola

Right now avoiding Ebola
is a luxury for most people.

With the threat of an Ebola pandemic looming it’s important to make sure you do what you can to not catch it. Experts say you shouldn’t change your daily life because of Ebola, but there are some things you can avoid to greatly reduce your chances of exposure to this frightening virus. Here are the top 5 places to avoid in case Ebola begins spreading quickly:

5. Subways

I mean subway transportation AND the sandwich store. People think Subway sandwiches are clean because the artists wear gloves, but you're making the assumption they’d take the gloves off to pick their ass. I doubt it. And we all know actual subways are just giant moving Petri dishes with a brand of Hepatitis for each line. There's Hepatitis A, B or if you want symptoms faster get the express on the C train.  Subway cars and platforms are basically just bodily fluid canvasses for the filthiest of humans.

Subways are rarely cleaned though they are sprayed down nightly by homeless people.

4. Restaurants

Like Subway restaurants, you might want to avoid eating out when Ebola comes around. You never know who’s handling your food. People who work in food preparation are usually not going to take days off if they feel a little sick and one drop of sweat in your dish could mean you end up in quarantine for a month. You definitely want to avoid any West African cuisine until Ebola dies down.

Try to avoid any of the all-you-can-eat buffets.

3. Gyms

Speaking of sweat, gyms and “health centers” are basically like sweat factories. Think of Ebola like AIDS that you can get from sweat. That would be the equivalent of walking into a gym and seeing everything and everyone soaked in blood. The optics of that would be a little more threatening than with sweat. People tend to be a little more ignorant of that because sweat is transparent. You have to avoid being too lax when it comes to other people’s sweat.

People don't workout dressed like this anymore so your exposure to their sweat is much higher.

2. Hospitals

It might seem weird, but avoiding hospitals is one of the best things you can do to keep from getting Ebola. If you’re healthy, don’t visit anyone or hang around emergency rooms for fun. During the height of flu season a lot of people are going to be vomiting everywhere and getting diarrhea all over hospitals and one of those people might have Ebola and not know it. Doctors are among the highest at risk for Ebola too so you’re going to want to stay away from those freaks unless you’re really sick.

Most hospitals aren't even prepared to treat Ebola.

And the number one place to avoid to keep from getting Ebola is...

1. Public Bathrooms

A big deal is made about how you can only get Ebola through contact with bodily fluids. Well, public bathrooms are basically dens of many people’s bodily fluids. Everywhere you turn there will be bodily fluids. On the sink, on the toilet, on the mirror, on the door knobs, on the paper towel dispenser, etc. Most people don’t use public restrooms unless it’s an emergency, but even in an emergency you might want to bypass public bathrooms altogether. If Ebola hits its stride it might actually be better to shit your pants in public than subject yourself to the risks that a public bathroom holds.

It's probably better to just have your own litter box with you at all times to use in a pinch.

The Top 5 Ways to Avoid Getting Ebola

Ebola is no joke, folks.

I’ve been getting a lot of questions about Ebola lately so instead of answer them all individually I’m going to write a list of Ebola tips and tricks. Because you can be infected with Ebola for up to 21 days without even knowing you’re sick it’s very possible this will spread around the world so it’s important to educate people on what they can do to prevent a possible pandemic of this horrible virus. Even if a global spread doesn’t occur during this 2014 outbreak, until we create a vaccine, the Ebola threat will only get more dangerous as the virus mutates and world travel becomes more accessible to people in Africa. Here are the top 5 ways to avoid getting Ebola now and into the future:

5. Don’t travel to Africa.

This seems like an obvious tip, but you’d be surprised how many people still travel to Africa even during an Ebola outbreak. Some people get too comfortable around Ebola. One Ebola doctor was quoted as saying “I would sit next to someone who had Ebola on the bus.” That may have been one of the doctors who ended up with Ebola though so you want to take that with a grain of salt. Also, there’s no negative to being cautious here when you’re dealing with a virus that has a 90% mortality rate.

If you have business to attend to in Africa you might want to wait until the winter.

4. Wear protective gear at airports.

Even if you don’t travel to Africa you still have to be conscious of the risk of getting an infectious disease at an airport. If you can you should invest in an Ebola protection suit to keep yourself completely immune to other people’s bodily fluids.

People might think you look stupid, but who's stupid when you're the only one not bleeding from the eyes?

3. Don’t touch people’s soiled linens.

I’m not sure why you’d ever be touching someone’s soiled linens, but just don’t do it. If you work in a hotel or something you’re pretty much screwed if Ebola breaks out. Ebola is transmitted through bodily fluids and as we all know, bed linens can be saturated in pretty much every bodily fluid known to man.

Treat bed sheets like used toilet paper. You should only touch your own.

2. Avoid people who are sweaty.

Surprisingly enough, one of the bodily fluids Ebola can spread through is sweat. That means you want to avoid anyone who’s sweating profusely and looks like they’re not doing too well. There’s a reason we find sweaty people disturbing and gross, it’s evolution. They say, nothing has ever been gained from hanging around sweaty folks and in Ebola times, that’s never been more true.

Avoid running marathons for awhile especially considering how many of the marathon runners are from Africa.

And the number one way to avoid getting Ebola is…

1. Get a job where you can work from home.

If and when Ebola does finally start spreading across the world you’re going to really want to have a job where you can work from home. All the people getting the disease will be people who work with the general public and have to interact face to face with people. If you work from home you can just order everything you need by Amazon drone and be able to hide away until the virus burns itself out. If you’re really concerned about the idea of an Ebola pandemic or any pandemic for that reason, I would recommend finding a job that doesn’t involve being around walking disease carriers, I mean humans.

All aboard the Ebola wagon!