The Top 3 Weirdest Ways To Cure The Hiccups

Stopping hiccups requires
science.

Hiccups might not be as big in the news as Ebola these days, but it still is a problem that everyone has to face at least once a month. Everyone has their own special remedy on how to cure hiccups from putting your head in a pregnant woman’s vagina to chugging goat urine. The weirder the method the more likely people are to believe it works. Well I can tell you those two methods don’t work. Here are the top 3 weirdest ways you can really cure the hiccups:

3. Breathe in as much air as you can and hold your breath for as long as possible.

It might look weird to breathe in deep and hold your breath with your cheeks all puffed out but this really does work. Hiccups are basically a spasm of the diaphragm so when you hold your breath and stop breathing it stops the spasms. Simply holding your breath won’t stop you from hiccuping which is why you need to breathe in as much air as possible so the pressure prevents the hiccups. Hold this for as long as you can and by the time you have to inhale the hiccups will likely be gone.

2. Pinch your nipples and scream at the top of your lungs.

This is one method you really want to do in private if possible. It’s potentially a way to get fired from your job. It’s also not the most comforting, but it is a nice stress reliever. You take each nipple in your thumb and forefinger and squeeze the dickens out of them while shrieking like a banshee. The screaming part actually comes quite naturally. The force of the air out of your lungs along with the shock of your nipples being in pain is usually enough to eliminate the hiccups.

And the number one weirdest way to cure the hiccups is…

1. Crap your pants

Speaking of things you don’t want to do at work, crapping your pants is one of them. Sure crapping your pants is an awful thing most people don’t want to do, but when was the last time you crapped your pants with the hiccups? Obviously your body can only do one of these at a time. I don’t know if it has to do with the physiology of defecation or just the sheer embarrassment and shock of messing yourself in public that keeps the hiccups to a minimum. Point is, it’s true until someone can prove it wrong.

When your sphincter is spasming your diaphragm can't.

The BEST Way To Cure The Hiccups

People are always bragging about how they know the best way to stop the hiccups, then you try their way and it never works, well I've got the REAL way to stop the hiccups and it works every single time without fail. First, stuff your nostrils with peanut butter. Then take a substantially sized dildo and put it in your butt. It is most likely that the sensory overload these actions create will distract your entire central nervous system from the hiccups and allow the diaphragm to relax long enough for the spasms causing the hiccups to stop. This is partially where the old wives' tale about scaring someone with the hiccups, except a brief scare is often not enough, but a dildo in the ass will always do the trick. The only question is, how bad do you want your hiccups gone? Note: If you frequently put dildos in your ass and have lost your anal gag reflex this method may not work as described, it definitely needs to be shock. But then again, if you're no stranger to things up your ass on a near constant basis, odds are you've got bigger problems than the occasional case of hiccups.