Ask McFartnuggets: “What Type of Alcohol Gives The Worst Hangovers?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’m thinking about becoming an alcoholic, but I don’t want to have hangovers. In your expert opinion, which types of alcohol give the worst hangovers? -- Dia from Syracuse, New York

Dear Dia:

Right off the bat, I would highly advise you do not become an alcoholic. It’s not really something you can or should aspire to. It’s like being in love, you can’t force it, you just wake up one morning and realize its happened. As for your question I would have to say, without a doubt, ethyl alcohol aka rubbing alcohol gives the worst hangovers. It’s not even up for argument. Some people think whiskey is pretty bad, but you don’t know true pain until you’ve had a rubbing alcohol hangover. First of all, it kicks in immediately. With other alcohols there’s a good period where things feel great and you get the negative effects later on in the night and the morning after. It’s almost less of a hangover and more like your brain, liver, and heart shutting down and dying. Definitely not recommended! With rubbing alcohol you have to immediately vomit and call poison control. With other alcohols you can vomit later on at your leisure and there’s generally no blood in the vomit.

Skip the aspirin, go right to the emergency room.

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Ask McFartnuggets: "I Think I Got A Midget Pregnant?!" and "What's the Weirdest Time You've Ever Farted?"

Dear McFartnuggets: I had a great St. Patrick's Day out with my friends drinking and partying and as usual I completely lost track of how much I was drinking. Fast forward to this morning I wake up in a McDonald's Playplace ball pit DRENCHED in vomit. I look around at the McDonald's staff and then a midget pops up out of the balls and tells me she needs to go get a morning after pill ASAP. The McDonald's people started chasing me yelling about how they called the police and I get the hell outta there and never look back. Fortunately I eluded everyone the only question is what happens next? Do you think the midget was bluffing me? I'm not prepared to be a father! -- Ted from Nougatine, Virginia

Dear Ted: Glad to see you had a good time, but how many times do I have to tell people this? Don't use the m-word! As far as the "diminished altitude individual" is concerned I wouldn't be worried. She was most likely still wasted as well and there's no telling A). If she even knew who you were. B). If she was lying. C). If the baby is going to survive all the drugs ya'll must have been ingesting the night prior D). If she's going to keep the baby E). If she will be able to track you down. There are simply too many variables to worry about so I wouldn't even bother. Just try to put everything behind you and if this little human comes back to you then cross that bridge when you get to it. And congratulations!


Dear McFartnuggets: Today I farted at a court deposition for a trial involving a car accident my cousin was involved in last Winter, don't worry, she's fine. That just got me thinking, what's the weirdest time you've ever farted? -- Tina from Breckenslip, New Hampshire

Dear Tina: The weirdest time I've ever farted was when I was sitting on Santa's lap at Macy's. It's weird because this was only two years ago. The Santa guy was reluctant to even let me sit on him so when I then released a "Welcome to the Thunderdome" level seismic California aftershock level fart into his leg it felt really weird for everyone involved. Myself, Santa, the elves, all the parents and children watching, it was an odd experience. I should have had more control over myself, but when you're that liquored up, well, I'm sure you know how it is. Thanks for asking!

These days I stick to the Santa phone sex hotlines.

If you have any questions please send them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and thanks for watching!