Hilariously Bad Banned Coffee Commercial From The Old Days

Everything was going right for this guy at his coffee party until a shocking discovery threatened it all. This commercial does bring up an interesting point though, why don’t we call people “toots” anymore?

The Top 10 Worst Places/Times To Crap Your Pants

There are literally thousands of bad places to crap your pants. There’s really no good place to do it, except maybe at home. At home when you’re alone by yourself would be the least worst, and even then it’s still pretty heartbreaking. Here’s a list of the top 15 shittiest places to crap your pants.

15. On line waiting to buy the newest trendy electronic device.

When you’re the type of person who will wait five days on line for the newest iTampon, soiling your trousers isn’t going to stop you so you’ll just end up standing with a pantload of crap for days on end like a psychopath.

(Photo of people waiting in line for the Xbox One.)

14. Church

Crapping your pants at church is a sin and would be higher on this list if it wasn’t for the forgiving nature of god. Oh the priests and nuns are gonna want to kick your ass, but odds are they won’t and you’ll just have a new excuse to never go back. That’s why this is only #14 on our list. If it was legitimately an accident, the lord will understand.

You're already sitting in a "pew" no need to rub it in.

13. While sitting on Santa’s lap

If you’re a child this is a little more acceptable, but as a drunk adult you probably shouldn’t be sitting on a mall Santa to begin with, much less ruining his pants.

Santa's looking pretty damn good these days!

12. Comedy club

Crapping your pants at a comedy club can sometimes be a sign of respect for the performer, like burping during a meal. The only problem is the comedian may choose to single you out and humiliate you even more than you already are. On the bright side, most everyone should be laughing and having a good time so you’re helping the show.

Thinking about pooping your pants? Think again! This clown's got jokes, son.

11. Dance floor

Usually a nightclub is a place to meet potential mates for the evening and the worst thing you can do in that scenario is to drop a bundle of Satan's meatballs into your bellbottoms. The worst is when you’re so caught up in the music you don’t realize it’s happened until it’s running down your shoes and someone just slipped in it.

Good luck getting laid now!

10. Movie theater

People dislike someone who uses their phone during a movie. They hate someone who talks during a movie. So, naturally they despise someone who shits their pants during a movie and adds an olfactory element to the viewing experience that totally takes them out of the illusion of cinema.

You better hope these come with nose plugs.

9. Opera

Messing your pants at an opera is a lot like messing your pants at a movie, except it’s worse because you’re probably in an expensive tuxedo and surrounded by people who are "appalled".

You'll have the fat lady singing early when you crap your pants at an opera.

8. School

Statistically, most crapping of pants occurs at schools. Unfortunately, it’s one of the top ten worst places to do that because you’re surrounded by your peers. You could have had a great elementary school and junior high career, but if you poop your pants in high school you may as well start planning your move to another state and/or homeschooling.

Taking a dump in class is like setting off a fire drill in your pants.

7. Strip club

There are rules in strip clubs about what you’re allowed to do during a lap dance. Some clubs are strict, some are more relaxed, but no matter how relaxed they are, they will never let you shit in your pants.

If you're worried, always wear a diaper for a lap dance. The strippers will laugh, but what the hell do they know! If they knew anything they wouldn't be strippers that's for damn sure! Sorry, that got a little too personal for me there.

6. During sex

Crapping your pants during sex is pretty terrible. Mostly because, why are you wearing pants?

Fortunately, my girlfriend is pretty understanding when it comes to these things.

5. During a helicopter ride

Having a fecal accident in a flying helicopter is especially unpleasant because there’s no bathroom to go clean up in. You’re just there sitting in the whirlybird. Plus, helicopters are terrifying death traps to begin with so distracting the pilot with a pantload of dung is not a good idea.

Not shitting in a helicopter is a mighty tall order, but one that must be fulfilled if you want to land in one piece.

4. While scuba diving

Much like being in a helicopter, having a doodoo accident in a scuba suit is bad because there’s no escape. It’s worse in a scuba suit obviously because there’s virtually no air that can get to the poo to dissipate the stink. Just hope to god there aren’t any sharks attracted to the scent of digested human waste.

The mask fogs up even with no turds in there so you can imagine what it's like when the worst case scenario occurs.

3. Wedding

Pooping your pants at a wedding is awful especially if you’re one of the people getting married. The most humiliating part of that would be if it happens during the reading of the vows when you say “I doo" and you just so happen to have a steaming hot mess in your wedding pantalones.

It's always awkward when you have to leave your bride at the altar while you carefully saunter off to spend fifty minutes replacing your tuxedo pants.

2. Funeral

Funerals aren’t supposed to be fun, but at the same time they’re not supposed to be events that people run out of holding their noses and vomiting. A funeral service should be about honoring the life of the deceased person, but by you crapping yourself the focus turns to you and you can bet the dead person is looking down at you thinking “I’m going to haunt this son of a bitch forever.”

When you think about it, every poop is like a funeral for food.

1. During surgery

The number 1 worst place to crap your pants is during surgery. If you do, it’s definitely going to throw the surgeon and their assistants off their game. Anyone who says it doesn't is a liar. And if you’re the actual surgeon then you’re getting paid a lot of money to NOT crap your pants. Make sure you get that over with before the operation and please make sure to wash your hands extra hard.

You can't risk contaminating the wound!

Hey look, we all know mistakes happen, but hopefully you will remember this list and if you're ever in any of these situations you remember to get the hell outta there before nature rears its stinky, lumpy head.

Dumbass Sayings: “Fall Down 7 Times Get Up 8”

You’ve probably heard the saying “Fall down 7 times, get up 8” as an inspirational, motivational quote. Sometimes it’s “Fall down 6 times, get up 7” or “Fall down 5 times, get up 6”, but you get the idea. OR DO YOU? What does this saying actually mean? Let’s say you fall down onto the ground and then you get up. That’s falling once and getting up once.

You fall down a 2nd time, get up a 2nd time

fall down at 3rd time, get up a 3rd time

fall down a 4th time, get up a 4th time

fall down a 5th time, get up a 5th time

fall down a 6th time, get up a 6th time

and fall down a 7th time, get up a 7th time.

So what’s getting up the 8th time? Could it mean to jump in the air? Could it mean to get high on drugs? I think it does. I think it means to get high on drugs. So the next time someone tells you to “Fall down 7 times and get up 8” run away because they’re trying to get you to do drugs! And by the way, if you’ve fallen down seven times in a row, you should probably just get up that 7th time, drink a tall glass of water and go to sleep because you’re drunk and you’re embarrassing yourself.

Crazy Insane Banned Commercial Collection From The Past

These commercials pushed the limits of what was acceptable back in the days of old. If it wasn’t for the pioneering ice cream commercial, same sex marriage might not have ever become legal. If it wasn’t for the dog food commercial, companies might still be able to test narcotics on beagles. And if it wasn’t for the toothpaste commercial… Okay that one was just flat out ridiculous.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Should I Shampoo My Ass Hair?”

Dear McFartnuggets: I was just wondering, should I be shampooing my ass hair in the shower every morning? -- Beth from Reno.

Dear Beth: Your butt hair is no different than your scalp hair. Hair is hair and should be treated as such. Does this mean you have to use expensive Italian shampoos on your rectum forest? No, but it does mean you should at least be scrubbing it daily with some Head & Shoulders to prevent flaking and follow that up with a nice conditioner for an exquisite “fresh from the salon” shimmer. If you really want to live on the wild side use Herbal Essences. You thought that stuff made you feel good when you were using it on your skull! Wait til you put it on your Devil’s Portal.

Matter of fact, the only time you shouldn’t shampoo your butt brush is if you’ve put it into cornrows (which I would NOT recommend, but hey some people like certain styles. Whatever works for you!). Always treat your ass hair like your head hair. You can even use styling gel in it if you’re going out to a nude beach and want to turn some heads with a mohawk or something. Hope that helps and have a happy new year, Beth!

Thanks for the conundrums and keep on sending them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

The Top Ten Most Embarrassing New Year’s Resolutions Ever

Everyone loves New Year’s Eve because we pretend it’s a chance to start fresh even though literally nothing has changed since 11:59 PM on December 31st, except maybe now we have Herpes from kissing a random stranger. People make “New Year’s Resolutions” in an attempt to better themselves, but they’re always minor things like “Lose ten pounds” or “Quit smoking”. They’re never actual real life changing things. The reason they’re not is because you have to tell other people your resolution since it’s fun to share and they can help you with them. Unfortunately, most of the biggest changes we have to make are things we don’t want to share and we have to make up safe, fake resolutions so we never have to tell anyone these top ten SECRET New Year’s Resolutions:

10. “Don’t have a Herpes outbreak.” - This one is embarrassing because maybe the person who asked didn’t know you had Herpes and now they’ll think twice before engaging in intercourse with you. Also, this is just a plain ol’ bad resolution because you know it’ll be ruined by January 5th.

9. “Get a divorce.” - When a coworker asks you what your resolution is, it may very well be to legally separate from your spouse, but that really isn’t the type of information you want getting out around work. The intern in the mail room shouldn't know more about your family than your kids.

8. “Become a better parent.” - This is one that most people should actually have, but they don’t and they don’t because it’s embarrassing. They don’t want to admit they’re awful parents and they’re raising demon children who will one day become sociopath adults. The first step is realizing you have a problem, folks.

7. “Reconcile with estranged father.” - This one is embarrassing just because it makes everyone feel awkward and sad for you. It’s hopeful, but at the same time they know 88% of all resolutions fail and you’ll never make amends.

6. “Quit masturbating.” - By claiming this as your New Year’s Resolution you’re basically admitting that your masturbation habits are on par with a smoking addiction or an obese person’s need to lose weight and that’s a whole lotta baitin’.

5, “Gain 5 inches fast!” - Usually most people are concerned with LOSING inches after New Year’s. but when you say you want to ADD inches they know you’re talking about your mediocre genitals.

4, “Stop having sex with the cat.” - People will know how well you’re doing with this one by how few (or many) scratches you have all over your arms and face.

3, “Stop shitting the bed.” - If you’re the type of person who shits the bed, this is undoubtedly your real resolution for every single year, but you tell people “Uhh… Learn how to play the guitar…” And then run away.

2, “Don’t commit suicide.” - This is actually an attainable one, but it makes people worry about you.

1, “Have sex with a living adult human woman.” - The first thing running through someone’s mind when you tell them this is your resolution is, “Okay, so you’ve had sex with everything that ISN’T that?” But the answer is “NO! I was just being specific, idiot.” When setting goals for yourself, being specific never hurts, except on occasions like this.

Banned Pampers Commercial From The 1970’s

Here’s a family that was insane before it was cool to be dysfunctional. They weren’t able to have a reality show back then, but if they did you can bet it would blow the Kardashians out of the water. Or would the Kardashians blow them? I’m not sure.

3D Printer Draws Designs in Jello Shots

From YouTube - Spritetm

So this is what we’re doing with technology now. With 3D printers you can now print your own assault rifle out of plastic and then get smashed on fun looking jello shots. That sounds like a merry Christmas! Hopefully one day after you’re done binge drinking all your 3D printed jello shots you can use the printer to fabricate yourself a brand new liver. That would be convenient. In the future, 3D printers will be able to create everything that can kill you AND everything that can save you at the same exact time.