The 3 Best Proven Ways For An Alcoholic To Lose Weight

If you suffer from the disease Alcoholism you know it can be tough to stay fit. If you’ve tried all the weight loss scams out there try these simple, real methods and hopefully they work for you.

3. Ride a bike to work.

If you drink a lot it’s probably not a good idea to be driving a car to and from work. No one ever cautions people against drinking and cycling so it must be safe. Add that to the cardiovascular benefits of riding a bike and you’ve got a great way for an alcoholic to lose weight! Depending on your commute it could take a little longer on a bike, but if you’re always waiting in traffic you’ll love laughing at freeway motorists while you ride past them on your Huffy.

Wait, I can lose weight AND look like a pimp at the same time?!

2. Go food shopping with only a hand basket.

One weight loss tactic that some nutritionists believe in is eating off of small plates with small utensils to limit portions. This idea takes that one step back. By shopping for food with just the hand basket you limit the things you’re going to have to eat. But if you’re drunk you’ll probably get another hand basket and pile them both super high. How does this help you lose weight? You’re carrying around these super heavy hand baskets around the supermarket which is great exercise.

See this lady has a big basket. She's going to end up eating too many berries.

1. Switch from beer to liquor.

Beer is loaded with calories. You can actually get an entire days worth of calories in just a couple of six packs. Just imagine how much weight you will lose when you cut your caloric intake in half and start drinking hard liquor instead! If that weren’t enough, liquor tends to hit a little faster and harder than beer so you’re more likely to get into fights which burn loads of calories. If you’re lucky you might even be chased by the police! As we all know, resisting arrest is a full body workout. Throw in some occasional projectile vomiting and you’ll be slimmer in no time!

Beer is basically liquid bread.

Please keep in mind that these weight loss tips are intended only for alcoholics and should not be adopted by sober individuals. I would recommend not being an alcoholic, but if you are and you’re okay with that then you should try to be as healthy as possible. 

Nothing burns the calories like swinging punches at an imaginary green woman who's telling you you're not a real man.